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Topic: Could use something to make me laugh... (Read 816 times) |
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AlienSpaceBabe
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Could use something to make me laugh...
« on: Feb 20th, 2004, 9:19am » |
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please.....
things are just piling up and getting to me.....
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aprilbee
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Ain't I a stinkah!!
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #1 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 9:27am » |
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may not make you laugh, but maybe bring a smile? everything will get better, it always does!
Love ya! April Bee
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KingOfPain
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #2 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 9:46am » |
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WARNING! FIRST 2 SITES ADULT HUMOR!
Indecent Proposal
http://www.beer-college.com/friends.phtml?set_albumName=album41
Bud Light "Good Dog" Superbowl Ad
http://www.beer-college.com/friends.phtml?set_albumName=album94
Redneck Cat Carrier
Funny sign
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a Veterinary Clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."
The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room. Returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in surprise, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The Vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook it's head, meowed, and ran out of the room. The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!" she cried. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The Vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....
Cheer up, k?
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Arrived August, 1999.
We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip only little by little at a truth we find bitter.
- Denis Diderot
Real friendship is shown in times of trouble; prosperity is full of friends. - Euripides
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AlienSpaceBabe
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #3 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 9:49am » |
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I'm cheering up already!
Now someone else who needs it, but doesn't post it, can get a smile too....
thanks
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KingOfPain
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #4 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 9:52am » |
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Henry goes to confession and says,
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Last night I was with seven different women."
The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that $hit-eatin' grin
off your face."
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| « Last Edit: Feb 20th, 2004, 10:13am by KingOfPain » |
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Arrived August, 1999.
We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip only little by little at a truth we find bitter.
- Denis Diderot
Real friendship is shown in times of trouble; prosperity is full of friends. - Euripides
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JDH
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We will get by, We will survive!
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #5 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 9:59am » |
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The United States spent $200,000.00 and two years studying why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. After two years the researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft simply for a mans pleasure.
The Germans did not think the Americans conducted an accurate study so they did the same study except they spent $300,000.00 and three years. After three years they determined that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft simply for the pleasure of women.
Now the Polish did not believe that the Germans or the Americans had any clue as to what they were studying. So the Polish did a study of their own and spent $400.00 and four weeks and concluded that the head of a man's penis was there so his hand would not slip off and hit him in the forehead.
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9-11-01, to remember is to honor.
It's not what you know, it's what you can prove.
ECH established 1985
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KingOfPain
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #6 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 10:04am » |
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Yard Work
I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and
my wife was about to take a shower.
I realized that I couldn't find the rake.
I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and
made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said, "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "EYE - KNEE - THE RAKE"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her
left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally
to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell that I could even come
close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her "What in
the hell was that?"
She replied, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!"
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| « Last Edit: Feb 20th, 2004, 10:12am by KingOfPain » |
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Arrived August, 1999.
We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip only little by little at a truth we find bitter.
- Denis Diderot
Real friendship is shown in times of trouble; prosperity is full of friends. - Euripides
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KingOfPain
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #7 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 10:11am » |
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Nice Watch
A very confident guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The guy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The guy smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
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| « Last Edit: Feb 20th, 2004, 10:23am by KingOfPain » |
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Arrived August, 1999.
We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip only little by little at a truth we find bitter.
- Denis Diderot
Real friendship is shown in times of trouble; prosperity is full of friends. - Euripides
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KingOfPain
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #8 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 10:27am » |
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Brian Hester invited his Mother over for dinner.
During the course of the meal, Brian's Mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship
between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, and this had
only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs.Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, than met the eye.
Reading his Mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying,
"Ever since your Mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said,
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian"
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his Mother that read:
"Dear son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Stephanie.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom"
LESSON OF THE DAY.........NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
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| « Last Edit: Feb 20th, 2004, 10:32am by KingOfPain » |
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Arrived August, 1999.
We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip only little by little at a truth we find bitter.
- Denis Diderot
Real friendship is shown in times of trouble; prosperity is full of friends. - Euripides
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KingOfPain
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #9 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 10:34am » |
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1 More.......
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday Buddy"
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Arrived August, 1999.
We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip only little by little at a truth we find bitter.
- Denis Diderot
Real friendship is shown in times of trouble; prosperity is full of friends. - Euripides
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KenB
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Sometimes it feels like this
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #10 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 11:45am » |
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks
at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit
Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank
manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty
explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and
disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to
use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what
in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you?)
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Who was the first person to realise you could get milk from a cow - and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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Kirk
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VINIMUS, VIDIMUS, DOLAVIMUS
   
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #11 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 1:03pm » |
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Just couldn't resist
TTFN
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bobkip
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I love YaBB 1G - SP1!
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #12 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 1:44pm » |
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Ya wanna a good laugh? Go to the OUCH site and click on members. My pic is "the drunk". Dunno who put that up but I'll find him/her. Paybacks are hell.
Kip
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Linda_Howell
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Hearing is one thing. Listening is another.
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #13 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 4:52pm » |
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O.K. Lizzie. Here ya go.
HE walked into the room.
Everyone's attention focused on him.
But he was a man on a mission and....
looking for someone..
He spots you from across the room. Makes you lock eyes with him...strides over to where you are, looks down at you(you're short) and whispers in your ear.....
?
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?
?
?
" I LOVE RED BRAS"
Hang tough Liz. Linda
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Kindness, is gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us.
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jzakhar
New Board Newbie
And now for something completely different
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #14 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 4:57pm » |
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Top 8 Morons of 2003
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in
the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the
kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Stop, and asked for all t! he
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up
the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot,"
the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?"
the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate a! gun, but fortunately, he failed to keep his hand
in his pocket (hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were
having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand
new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no
matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it
go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them
what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect
working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the
prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped
in the water to check underneath He came up choking on water, he was
laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE....
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Does any one else find it frightening that the
majority of these events took place in California...
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echo
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Chronic and still alive --- I Win!
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #15 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 5:09pm » |
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Two men walked into a bar.
You would have thought the second guy would have seen it.
S'ing TFU now
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"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it".
Proud Dad of a US Marine, and a former Marine turned Police Officer.
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Kevin_M
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withered branches grow green again.
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #16 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 8:00pm » |
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I can never remember any funnies, but can I ask, the AlienSpaceBabe, anything behind that name? I orbited Saturn quite a many years and can't believe I would have missed you. You must be from that "other" solar system I kept trying to get to.
This Earth, they say here the best place is in the "mind". Have you found one of those yet? I'll bet you got one and I NEVER DID. Well, if you got one, keep it, I hear when you have one, and it's a rainy day on Earth here, well, I hear that the people here can "change" that mind.
Thanks for the thread, I caught a little ray of a smile from your mind. Someday when I get a mind, I am going to send some rays to you. For now, I am going to borrow this little guy to show you how your little rays look... 
Kevin M
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Charlie
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #18 on: Feb 20th, 2004, 11:00pm » |
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Sorry about this Cuddlepumpkin.
I Wish I had something great to post but I never have jokes around and I have to redo all my A stuff since the crash anyway. 
Glad you're sounding better though. Gimme some time.
Chin up Cuddlepumpkin.
Charlie
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There is nothing more satisfying than being shot at without result---Winston Churchill
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AlienSpaceBabe
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #19 on: Feb 21st, 2004, 7:27pm » |
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on Feb 20th, 2004, 4:52pm, Linda_Howell wrote:
O.K. Lizzie. Here ya go.
" I LOVE RED BRAS"
Hang tough Liz. Linda
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L I N D A !!!! literally laughing my ass off!
Sean... never saw the backside of a smiley before... daughter and I had a good laugh!!
Thanks everyone! Geez, I love this place!
Things are looking up:
city building inspector called... guess it might be up to me whether to repair or rebuild ....can we say TEAR IT DOWN AND REBUILD?
looks like my son is going into the army... I'm very proud of him!
appears that they got all the cancerous cells during my dad's surgery Wednesday!
daughter got a third place trophy in forensics today in Solo Humorous
and I laughed a lot!!
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Sean_C
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #20 on: Feb 21st, 2004, 9:17pm » |
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This was a great thread, lotta laughs
We should do this more often
K, you freakin kill me LMMFAOROTF
Sean
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BobG
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #21 on: Feb 21st, 2004, 10:01pm » |
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I would try to say something funny but I can never remember the joke but, I can always forget the punch line.
And my 2 cents worth....Tear it down and rebuild. You'll get a whole new house.
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Stay stressed. Never relax. Never sleep. Ever.
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BarbaraD
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Hugs to ya
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #22 on: Feb 22nd, 2004, 3:37pm » |
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I didn't even know I needed a laugh till I started reading this. Thanks to all.... The tears are rolling and it's not from CH. You brightened my day...
Hugs BD
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What don't kill ya, Makes ya stonger!
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cootie
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sumday I'm gonna be sumbody........ ..
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #23 on: Feb 22nd, 2004, 10:50pm » |
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So 'yeah' I have a sick sense of humor...........it's funny as hell tho Pam
http://file.sugarqube.com/Cards/jblo_TheWormGame.swf?PL=L400x300
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Cause and Effect......"Cause is the effect concealed, Effect is the cause revealed"
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jonny
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Re: Could use something to make me laugh...
« Reply #24 on: Feb 23rd, 2004, 6:53pm » |
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Your sick, Cutie.....LMMFAO
................................jonny
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