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Topic: 2004 Redneck Olympics :^( (Read 388 times) |
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Jimmy_B.
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2004 Redneck Olympics :^(
« on: Aug 26th, 2004, 2:25pm » |
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Redneck Olympics
- Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.
- In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor.
- The big event is the 100m Sisterchase.
- Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.
- Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Pissin Competition."
- Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.
- Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth.
- Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.
- Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes.
- Two words: Billy Bobsledding.
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"I'd much rather be HAPPY then RIGHT any day" Slartibartfast
Get informed! Don't vote a party ticket. Go to www.vote-smart.org and find out where your political candidates stand.
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Jimmy_B.
CH.com Alumnus
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USS Missouri BB-63 Veteran
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Redneck II
« Reply #1 on: Aug 26th, 2004, 2:47pm » |
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Even more You Know You're a Redneck if . . .
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've been too drunk to fish.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Your mother comes outta the bathroom and says, "Y'all come look at this before flush it!"
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty & Tim McGraw record collection.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
You can belch and say your name at the same time.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.
Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
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"I'd much rather be HAPPY then RIGHT any day" Slartibartfast
Get informed! Don't vote a party ticket. Go to www.vote-smart.org and find out where your political candidates stand.
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Biker
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OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!
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Re: 2004 Redneck Olympics :^(
« Reply #2 on: Aug 26th, 2004, 8:24pm » |
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Your cat carrier is an empty 12 pack box.
Your motorcycle has a gun rack
You pack more than 2 hidden pistols.
You cannot afford the telephone, water, or gas, but you have 162 television channels.
Your truck is painted with rustoleum.
Ya cant make it to work, but ya can sure make it to the bar.
Three rednecks were sitting on the front poarch. One said, "My wife is so dumb, she bought a wringer washer machine." One asked, "Whats dumb about that?" the first one replied, "We got no running water."
The second said, "My wife is so dumb, she bought a Hoover vacume." "We got no electric."
The third redneck said, "I emptied my wife's purse, and she is so dumb, she had a dozen condoms in there."
As the other two looked at him, he stated, "She got noplace to wear one."
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Ride it like ya stole it.
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