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Topic: A week at the gym: One man's story (Read 267 times) |
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firebrix
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I must never weaken.
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A week at the gym: One man's story
« on: Jun 23rd, 2004, 7:13pm » |
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A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted
to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary, For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (thedear) purchased a week of personal training at the local healthclub for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my
reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
herself
as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and
swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-with blonde
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my
pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse
was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her
Lycra
aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut
was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going
to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy ironbar into the
air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe
I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking
lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early
in
the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.
My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran
and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny,
anaemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could
move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me
to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents
in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked
the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is
fun-like
a root canal or a vasectomy.
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"All that it takes for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
Edmund Burke
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