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Topic: Economists..... (Read 198 times) |
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AlienSpaceBabe
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How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If it really needed changing, market forces would have caused it to happen.
None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
None. The invisible hand does it.
Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb.
Eight. One to change it and seven to hold everything else constant.
One to prepare the proposal, an econometrician to run the model, one each MS and PhD students to write the theses and dissertations, two more to prepare the journal article (senior authorship not assigned), four to review it, and at least as many to refine the model and replicate the results.
How many unionized workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They assign the task to a non-unionized temporary.
Just one, but he gets promoted two times before he finally finishes screwing it up.
Just one, but once he gets tenure, he doesn't change anymore.
"Eighteen, you got a problem with that?"
Fifty. Fifty? Yeah, fifty; its in the contract.
Fourteen. One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap.
How many personnel managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to take out the old bulb, one to screw in the new bulb, and one to relocate the old bulb.
How economists do it...
Economists do it cyclically.
Economists do it on demand.
Economists do it with models.
Economists do it with crystal balls.
Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Socialism: You have two cows. State takes one and gives it to someone else.
Communism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you as much milk as you need.
Bureaucratic Communism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you as much milk as the regulations say you should need.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. State regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both cows, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Fascism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sells you milk.
Nazism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoots you.
Liberalism: You have two cows. State dosen't care whether you exist, let alone your cows.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidise it.
An economics professor and a student were strolling through the campus.
"Look," the student cried, "there's a $100 bill on the path!"
"No, you are mistaken," the wiser head replied. "That cannot be. If there were actually a $100 bill, someone would have picked it up."
An economic forecaster was known to have an horseshoe prominently displayed above the doorframe of his office. Asked what it was for, he replied "it is a good luck charm that helps my forecasts".
"But do you believe in that superstition?" he was asked.
"Of course not!" he said, "but it works whether you believe in it or not."
An economist returns to visit his old school. He's interested in the current exam questions and asks his old professor to show some. To his surprise they are exactly the same ones which he had answered 10 years ago! When he asks about this the professor answers: "the questions are always the same - only the answers change!"
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| « Last Edit: Jan 6th, 2004, 11:08pm by AlienSpaceBabe » |
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AlienSpaceBabe
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Three people are stranded on a small island. One is a physicist, one is a circus strongman, and one is an economist. After a few days of surviving on fruit, they discover a cache of canned food, and they have to decide how to open it. The physicist says to the strongman "Why don't you climb that tree, and smash the cans down on the rocks, and burst them open?"
The strongman says, "No, that would spatter the stuff all over. I can open the cans with my teeth!"
The economist says "First, we must assume that we have a can opener."
A man takes a balloon ride at a local country fair. A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupant out into the countryside. The man has no idea where he is, so he goes down to five meters above ground and asks a passing wanderer: "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?"
Eyeing the man in the balloon the passer-by says: "You are in a downed red balloon, five meters above ground."
The balloon's unhappy resident replied, "You must be an economist."
"How could you possible know that?" asked the passer-by.
"Because your answer is technically correct but absolutely useless, and the fact is I am still lost".
"Then you must be in management", said the passer-by.
"Thats right! How did you know?"
"You have such a good view from where you are, and yet you don't know where you are and you don't know where you are going. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now your problem is somehow my fault!"
Why has astrology been invented? So that economy could be an accurate science.
An economist and an accountant are walking along a large puddle. They get across a frog jumping on the mud. The economist says: "If you eat the frog I'll give you $20,000!"
The accountant checks his budget and figures out he's better off eating it, so he does and collects money.
Continuing along the same puddle they almost step into yet another frog. The accountant says: "Now, if you eat this frog I'll give you $20,000."
After evaluating the proposal the economist eats the frog and gets the money.
They go on. The accountant starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate frogs. I don't see us being better off."
The economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."
An economist was leaving his office building and saw a little boy sitting on the curb with a dog. The boy yelled at the economist, "Hey, how would you like to buy a dog."
The man was intrigued by this sales approach and asked the boy, "How much do you want for your dog."
The boy told him, "Fifty thousand dollars."
"Fifty thousand dollars!" the man repeated in astonishment. "What special tricks does this dog do that he can earn enough money to be worth fifty thousand dollars?" the man asked the boy.
The boy replied, "Mister, this dog never made a nickel in his life. Matter of fact, count what he eats I guess you could say you lose money on him every year."
The economist felt this was a good time to explain economics to the young man and expounded on how an item had to produce more income than it consumed to equal a puchase price ending with he might get five dollars from someone who just wanted a companion. Feeling he had imparted a very valuable lesson to the young man, the economist went on his way.
A few weeks later, the economist came out of his office building and the small boy was again sitting on the curb minus the dog. The man said to him, "I see you took my advise and sold the dog for five dollars."
The boy said, "No, I got fifty thousand dollars for him."
The business man was completely flabbergasted. "How did you ever get fifty thousand dollars for that dog" he asked.
"It was easy," said the boy. "I traded him for two twenty five thousand dollar cats."
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AlienSpaceBabe
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If a train station is where the train stops and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
"Hold it, hold it," the fellow said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county government," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn't mean we can't work, does it?"
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked him.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Office Timetable
9:00 Starting time
9:15 Arrive at work
10:00 Coffee break
11:00 Check e-mail
11:30 Prepare for lunch
12:00 Lunch
2:00 Browse the Internet
3:00 Tea break
3:30 Check e-mail again
4:00 Prepare to go home
4:45 Go home
5:00 Finishing Time
The Boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
A memo was soon sent following the letter:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.
When you have an "I hate my job" day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at the pharmacy, go to the thermometers section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Best Thermo". Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Best Thermo is personally tested." Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Best Thermo Company."
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AlienSpaceBabe
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One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
Smart man + smart woman = romance.
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy.
Dumb man + smart woman = affair.
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage.
Smart boss + smart employee = profit.
Smart boss + dumb employee = production.
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion.
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime.
Laws of Work
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
He who hesitates is probably right.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
When I make a mistake, I am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When I am out of the office, I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.
Tips for managers and bosses
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
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