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Topic: How to Sing the Blues (Read 206 times) |
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brain_cramps
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How to Sing the Blues
« on: Jun 11th, 2003, 11:00am » |
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How to Sing the Blues
1. Most blues start with “Woke up this morning.”
2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. For example, “I got a good woman, with the meanest dog in town.”
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. “I got a good woman, with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 500 pounds.”
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable forms of blues transportation are a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walking plays a major part in the blues, as does fixin’ to die.
6. Teenagers can’t sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St.Louis, and Kansas City are the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a) violet b) beige c) mauve.
9. You can’t have the blues in an office or shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the blues: a) the highway b) the jailhouse c) an empty bed. Bad Places for the blues: a)Ashrams b) Gallery openings c) weekend in the Hamptons.
11. No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? YES if a) your first name is a southern state – like Georgia b) you’re blind c) you shot a man in Memphis d) you can’t be satisfied. NO if a) you once were blind, but now can see b) you’re deaf c) you have a trust-fund.
13. Neither Julio Iglesias or Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
14. If you ask for water and yer baby gives you gasoline, it’s the blues. Other blues beverages include a)wine b) Irish whiskey c) muddy water. Blues beverages DON’T include a) any mixed drink b) any wine kosher for Passover c) Yoo-Hoo (all flavors)
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, its a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in and emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
16. Appropriate blues names for women include Sadie, Big Mama, and Bessie.
17. Appropriate blues names for men include Joe, Willie, Little Wille and Lightning. Persons with names like Sierra and Sequoia should not be permitted to sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
18. Starter Kit for other blues names: a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) b) First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime…) c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson…)
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| « Last Edit: Jun 11th, 2003, 11:04am by brain_cramps » |
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