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Topic: Dirty jokes......(as always) (Read 221 times) |
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AlienSpaceBabe
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A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for a thousand dollars and the tiny ones for ten."
The husband asked, "What about one my size?"
The wife replied, "Didn't even get a bid!"
Pissed off and wanting revenge, he told his wife the next morning that he'd had a dream too. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for a thousand dollars and the loose ones for ten."
So the wife asked, "What about ones like mine?"
The husband replied, "That's where they held the auction."
A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He drank half and then poured the rest on his hand.
A few minutes later, the man ordered another beer and the bartender became suspicious.
Again, the man drank half and then poured the rest on his hand.
A short while later the man ordered yet another beer.
The bartender finally asked, "Excuse me, sir, but what the heck are you doing?"
The irritated guy replied, "Can't you see that my date and I are trying to have a drink?"
Two girls, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again... for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at the brunette and says, "What's the big deal? Don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh, sure... but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.
The blond replies, "Don't you have a vase?"
(a repeat... but a truly hilarious repeat)
A woman is pregnant with triplets. While she is waiting in line at a bank, two robbers come in and thoot the place up. The pregnant woman takes three bullets in the stomach.
She's rushed to the hospital and patched up. The doctor tells her that each baby has a bullet in it.
She asks the doctor, "Will my babies be okay?"
The doctor replies, "Don't worry. The bullets will pass through their systems by way of normal metabolism."
The woman gives birth to two girls and a boy. Fifteen years later, one of the girls says to her mother, "Mommy, I just passed a bullet into the toilet while I was going pee-pee."
Her mother tells her not to worry about it. A week later her other daughter comes to her and says, "Mommy, I just passed a bullet in the toilet while I was going poo-poo."
The mother tells her not to worry about it. A week later, her son comes up to her and says, "Mommy, you're not gonna believe this but...."
"Don't tell me," the mother says, "you passed a bullet into the toilet right?"
"Nope," the boy says. "I was jerking off and shot the dog!"
A guy walks up to a woman who's wearing a fur coat.
He says to her, "Do you know how many animals had to die for that fur coat?"
She says to him, "Do you know how many animals I had to fuck for this coat?"
When the surgeon came to see his young patient on the day after her operation, he found her slightly embarrassed.
"What's wrong?" the doctor asks her.
"Well," she says, "this is a little difficult for me to ask... but how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"
"I'm not sure," the doctor stammers. "You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."
hugs to all!
Lizzie
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