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gladi0la
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in the 'news'...
« on: Nov 2nd, 2002, 5:40pm » |
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Study: Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia 2-To-1
CHICAGO—In a report with dire implications for the intellectual future of America, a University of Chicago study revealed Monday that the nation's uneducated are breeding twice as soon and twice as often as those with university diplomas. "The average member of the American underclass spawns at age 15, compared to age 30 for the average college-educated professional," study leader Kenneth Stalls said. "America's intellectual elite, as a result, is badly losing the genetic marathon, with two generations of dullards born for every one generation of cultured literates." Added Stalls: "At this rate, by the year 2100 there will be five smart people on Earth, swallowed whole by more than 12 billion mouth-breathers incapable of understanding the binary exponentiation that swamped the Earth with their like." High-school dropout Mandi Drucker, 16, said of the findings, "All I know is, we're in love."
Ünited Stätes Toughens Image With Umlauts
WASHINGTON, DC—In a move designed to make the United States seem more "bad-assed and scary in a quasi-heavy-metal manner," Congress passed a bill Monday changing the nation's name to the Ünited Stätes of Ämerica. "Much like Mötley Crüe and Motörhead, the Ünited Stätes is not to be messed with," said Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK). An upcoming redesign of the Ämerican flag will feature the new name in burnished silver wrought in a jagged, gothic font and bolted to a black background. A new national anthem is also in the works, to be written by composer Glenn Danzig and tentatively titled "Howl Of The She-Demon."
Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized
BALTIMORE—On Friday, scientists at Johns Hopkins University isolated the gene which causes homosexuality in human males, promptly separating it from normal, heterosexual genes. "I had suspected that gene was queer for a long time now. There was just something not quite right about it," team leader Dr. Norbert Reynolds said. "It's a good thing we isolated it—I wouldn't want that faggot-gene messing with the straight ones." Among the factors Reynolds cited as evidence of the gene's gayness were its pinkish hue, meticulously frilly perimeter, and faint but distinct perfume-like odor.
Thousands Dead In Indonesia Again
JAKARTA, INDONESIA—Several days of relative calm in Indonesia came to an end Friday when a massive volcanic eruption buried most of Jakarta, killing thousands of Indonesians yet again. "I had a feeling we were due for another mass death," said Manu Palopo of Jakarta. "There hadn't been a disaster since last Wednesday, when that train derailed, killing 513. And it had been nearly a month since we'd had an earthquake, typhoon, or some other natural disaster that killed more than 1,000." A public memorial service for volcano victims turned tragic when an unexpectedly large turnout caused hundreds to be trampled to death.
6-Year-Old Announces Plans To Become Ballerina Gymnast Veterinarian Horseback-Riding Princess
MILESBURG, PA—In a pre-bedtime announcement before family members Monday, area 6-year-old Stephanie Ambrose unveiled plans to become a ballerina gymnast veterinarian horseback-riding princess when she grows up. "Ashley is very much interested in that particular field," said Patricia Ambrose, the girl's mother. "But she's still keeping her options open and strongly considering becoming an astronaut actress president basketball-playing magic fairy."
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