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Topic: I need a smile so you get one too (Read 357 times) |
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AlienSpaceBabe
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He was on his way home when he came upon a woman crying hysterically. "What's the matter, lady?" he asked.
She could only sob, "Schultz is dead. Schultz is dead!"
He shook his head and continued walking. Suddenly he came upon another woman sobbing, "Schultz is dead, Schultz is dead!"
He couldn't get over it because soon he came upon another woman cryint the same thing. He had never seen so many unhappy women. And then he came upon a scene that caused him to shop. A trolley car had run over a man and had cut him to pieces. There, on the pavement next to the body, was the foot-and-a-half-long penis, and a half-dozen women were standing around crying hysterically, "Schultz is dead. Schultz is dead!"
When he arrived home, he greeted his wife with, "I just saw the damndest thing. A trolley car ran over a man and cut off his penis, and would you believe it, the penis was a foot and a half long."
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schultz is dead. Schultz is dead!"
He was very wealthy and very old -- in fact, he was about to celebrate his eighty-third birthday. He waent to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor gave him a thorough going-over and then said, "For a man who's about to be eighty-three, you're in marvelous shape. But why a physical just a day before your birthday?"
The wealthy old man explained that that very afternoon he was going to marry an eighteen-year-old girl.
The doctor tried with a great deal of effort to dissuade him. "I'm goin' ahead with it no matter what," the old man said. "Got any other suggestions, Doc?"
"Just one. If you want a really peaceful marriage, I suggest that you take in a boarder."
The old man thought about it and said that it sounded like a good idea.
The next time the doctor met the old man it was at a fund-raising affair, half a year later. The old man came up to him and said, "Doctor, congratulate me! My wife's pregnant!"
The doctor tried to maintain his poise, and said, "Well, so at least you followed my good advice and took in a boarder."
"Oh, sure," said the old man, with a wicked grin, "and the boarder's pregnant as well!"
A Frenchman who was leaving his home in Paris for a few weeks confided in his friend, Pierre: "I always hate to leave the city. When I'm away, I just don't know what my wife is doing. There's always the doubt, always the doubt."
Pierre said, "Charlies, I'll tell you what. Because we're such good friends, I'll keep an eye on her every evening that you're gone."
"Would you do that for me?" Charles asked, obviously delighhted and relieved. He kissed Pierre on both cheeks. "You understand, dear friend, that I know I should tryst my wife. It's just that there's always the doubt, always the doubt."
"Have no fear, Pierre will be there," the friend said.
Three weeks later, Charles returned to Paris and the two men met.
"Charles, I'm afraid I have bad news for you," Pierre said.
"Well?"
"The very first night you were gone, I watched this man go to your house. Your wife opened the door andkissed and hugges him. He fondled her breast. He rubbed her crotch. Then they closed the door to go upstairs. Never daunted, I climbed the tree outside your house and I observed them closely from one of it's branches."
"And so----?" said Charles.
"Well, first they took off all their clothes. Incidentally, dear friend, your wife has a lovely body."
"She does, indeed," said Charles thoughtfully. "What happened then?"
"Then?" Pierre shook his head sorrowfully. "Then is when they turned out the light. I could see nothing. I could learn nothing more."
Charles sighed a deep sigh. "So you see how it is, my friend? Always the doubt, always the doubt."
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AlienSpaceBabe
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Re: I need a smile so you get one too
« Reply #1 on: Mar 25th, 2002, 7:01pm » |
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A young farm boy from Arkansas was sent to New York by his father to learn the undertaking business under the tutelage of the great Frank E. Campbell.
Some months later, the father visited his son in the big city. "Tell me," he said, "have you learned much?"
"Oh sure, Dad," said the son. "I've learned a lot. And it's been very interesting."
"What was the most interesting thing you learned?"
The son thought for a minute and then said, "Well, we did have one wild experience that taught me a lesson."
"What was that?"
"Well," said the son, "one day we got this phone call from the Taft Hotel. It seems that the housekeeper had checked one of the rooms and she discovered that a man and woman had died in their sleep on the bed and completely naked."
"Wow!" said the father. "What did Mr. Campbell do?"
"Well, he put on his tuxedo and he had me put on my tuxedo. Then we were drivein in 0one of his limousines to the Taft Hotel. The manager took us to the desk clerk who gave us the room number. Then the manager rode up with us in the elevator. We were silent because Mr. Campbell always believed in doing things with great dignity."
"How marvelous!" exclaimed the father. "Then what happened?"
"Well, we came to this room. Mr. Campbell pushed the door open with his gold-tipped cane. He, then manager, and I walked in quietly. Sure enough, there on the bed was this naked couple lying on their backs."
"And then what happened?" asked the father.
"Well, Mr. Campbell saw an immediate problem. The man had a large erection. Mr. Campbell, as usual, was up to the situation. He swung his gold-tipped cane and very stylishly whacked the penis."
"And then what happened?" asked the father.
"Well, Dad," said the son, "all hell broke loose. You see, we were in the wrong room."
The Mother Superios in the convent school was chatting with her young charges. She asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up.
A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute."
The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What--did--you--say--?"
The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute."
"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said. "Oh, praise sweet Jesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."
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