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Topic: ahead raunch factor 10 :) (Read 347 times) |
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gladiola
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ahead raunch factor 10 :)
« on: Mar 23rd, 2002, 2:14pm » |
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On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of £100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice. The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up.
"I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war.
"Excellent," says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's £7000."
Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched.
"Excellent," replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's £7500."
Thirdly he asks the explosives expert.
"I'll have measured the tip of my d1ck to the end of my balls sahr!"
The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying
"Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!"
The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands sahr!"
*******
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?"the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots ??!!! Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
***************
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."
******************
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him.
The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints !!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?".
The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".
The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. ' "
********************
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
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