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Topic: Weekend Humour! (Read 340 times) |
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vangogh71
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WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
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vangogh71
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Now I just want to say I don't treat my wife this way but don't you wish for simpler times 
The Good Wives Guide
The Good wives guide has been extracted
from a REAL 1950's home economics text book ..
MEN LOVE THIS ,
WOMEN CAN'T BELIEVE IT EXISTED.
1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night
before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his
return. This is a way of letting him know that you have
been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of
a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the
warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so
you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up,
put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just
been with a lot of work-weary people.
3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for
him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties
is to provide it.
4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip
through the main part of the house just before your husband
arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc., and then
run a dust cloth over the tables.
5. Over the cooler months of the year you should
perpare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband
will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it
will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his
comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
6. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash
the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb
their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are
little treasures and he would like to see them playing the
part.
7. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival,
eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to
encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him.
8. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in
your desire to please him.
9. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important
things to tell him but the moment of his arrival is not the
time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of
conversation are more important than yours.
10. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes
home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of
entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his
world of strain and pressure, and his very real need to be
at home and relax.
11. Your goal. Try to make sure your home is a
place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can
renew himself in body and spirit.
12. Don't greet him with complaints or problems.
13. Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or
even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor
compared to what he might have gone through that day.
14. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a
comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have
a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and
offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing
and pleasant voice.
15. Don't ask him questions about his actions or
question his judgment or authority. Remember, he is the
master of the house and as such will always exercise his
will with fairness and truthfullness. You have no right to
question him. A good wife always knows her place.
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vangogh71
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APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ____________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________________ If No., EXPLAIN ___________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ____________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _______ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? A tattoo_________________ (If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises )
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?____________________ _______________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or lest, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? ________________________________________________________________________ _ _______________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you? _____________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend __________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________
c) A woman's place is in the ________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her ______________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
________________________________________ Signature ( That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (You might want to watch your back)
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vangogh71
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Stuff that Annoys Me!
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Screw off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the frigging ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know not a very nice person, you frigging pulled me over.
When people say "Life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer?
When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one god damn piece of paper!
When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here not a very nice person!
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
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vangogh71
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Quiz: Are You a Real Man?
1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetiser is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
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vangogh71
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FINALLY A CHAIN LETTER THAT I LIKE!
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor fucking 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send his email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy Bunny in the magazine! What a bunch of fucking bullshit.
So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Ceaser in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
Fuck them!
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly fucking amusing. I've seen all the 'send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a Nickel from some omniscient being forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:
(scroll down)
Make a wish!!!
Keep Scrolling
No, really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun? 
Hope you made a great wish
Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.
Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.
Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do.
So this is how it works... Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.
This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you'll find all your knickers missing tomorrow morning!
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AlienSpaceBabe
Guest
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What do they call a German hippie?
A flowerkraut!
Who invented the pendulum?
Pendulum Franklin.
How do you keep an idiot waiting?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
Which travels faster -- heat or cold?
Heat....Because you can catch cold.
Where do fleas go in winter?
Search me.
What will I do if I get seasick?
Don't worry--you'll do it.
What is the best way to get to the emergency hospital?
Just stand out in the middle of the street.
How did the accident happen?
My wife fell asleep in the backseat.
How can you tell when salespeople are lyint?
Their lips move.
Do you know how Yuppies wean their children?
They fire the maid.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What's green, bitter, and explodes?
A lime bomb.
What is gray and stamps out jungle fires?
Smokey the elephant.
Where does a sick ship go?
To the doc.
What's black when it's clean, and white when it's dirty?
A blackboard.
What do cars do at the disco?
Brake dance.
What weighs 2,500 pounds and wears flowers in its hair?
A hippiepotamus.
What do they call a man who steals ham?
A hamburglar.
What's the best way to drive a baby buggy?
Tickle its feet.
What would you get if you crossed a cow with a porcupine?
A steak with a built-in toothpick.
If a rooster laid an egg on the top of a hill, which side would the egg roll down?
Neither side....a rooster can't lay eggs.
Why does Santa Claus have three gardent?
So he can hoe, hoe, hoe.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I want to hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.
What did one casket say to the other casket?
Is that you coffin?
On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
The outside.
Where di the whale go when it was almost bankrupt?
He went to see the loan shark.
Where did Noah keep the bees?
In the arkives.
What do you get if you cross a hyena with a man-eating-tiger?
I don't know, but if it laughs you'd better join in.
What would you get if you crossed a flea with a rabbit?
A Bug's Bunny.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
Whta do you get when you cross a goat and an owl?
A hootenanny.
What do fish sing to eachother?
Salmon-chanted Evenin.
Why do welders work ssuch long hours?
Because they find their work so riveting.
What is very quiet and explodes?
A mime bomb.
What do you call a man who can't stop buying carpets?
A rug addict.
How would you send a message to a shark?
Drop it a line.
What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?
Tweetie Pie.
Who are all the fish of the sea afraid of?
Jack the Kipper.
What is the largest thing ever made of grapes?
The Grape Wall of China.
How does a monster count to fourteen?
On his fingers.
Which famous comedian sacked Rome?
Attila the Fun.
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