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Topic: looks like we need some jokes (Read 351 times) |
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AlienSpaceBabe
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A wife sought the advice of a fortune-teller who said, "Prepare yourself for widowhood. Your husband is going to die a violent death."
The wife sighed deeply and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
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A psychiatrist was trying to comfort a new patient who was terribly upset. "You see, Doc," the patient explained, "my problem is that I like shoes much better than I look boots."
"Why, that's no problem," answered the doctor. "Most people like shoes better than boots."
The patient was elated. "That's neat, Doc. How do you like them, fried or scrambled?"
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A bachelor kept an iguana for companionship, and loved his iguana more than life. He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the iguana to his brother's care.
As soon as he arrived in England, he called his brother. "How is my iguana?" he asked.
"Your iguana is dead," came the reply.
"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?"
"How else can I tell you that your iguana's dead?" inquired the brother.
"You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor. "For example, when I called tonight you could have told me my iguana was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my iguana passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock.
"Bye the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"
"Mother?" came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down."
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Policeperson: Name, please.
Motorist: Wilhelm von Corquerinski Popolavawitz.
Policeperson: Well, don't let me catch you speeding again.
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Late one night in the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon."
Another said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me."
Just then, a voice from the next room shouted, "I did not."
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The applicant for life insurance was finding it diffucult to fill out the application. The salesperson asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't asnwer the questiona bout the cause of death of his father.
The salesperson wanted to know why. After some embarrassment, the client explained that his father had been hanged.
The salesperson pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.' "
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Dont' be surprised if your next income tax form is simplified to contain only four lines:
1. What was your income last year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much do you have left?
4. Send it in.
The three R's of the IRS: This is ours, that is ours, everything is ours.
IRS agent to taxpayer: I'm afraid we can't allow you to deduct last year's tax as a bad investment.
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