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Topic: Can I do this, or will I go insane? (Read 688 times) |
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Carl_D
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Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« on: Aug 27th, 2003, 1:34pm » |
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Let's see, a happy place...
'96 - '97 I had it all going on; killer job, cool cruiser, happening band, and my place was ON 24/7. Each new day was another rung up the ladder.
Then February of '98 I became chronic with Clusters. It crippled my life to the point I had nothing left to live for, except the only certain thing - THE PAIN!
I am coming out of a nice few months; 1 ch a day to 3 a day, or every couple of days. Basically, a few a week (as opposed to what I was used to - a few a day.) Overcoming physical trauma induced by a fall last January, I finally am back full throttle with playing guitar.
So what is the drama?
Right now, I am in 3 separate bands. My main gig is "Act of God", an origional alternative band in which I am primary writer, lead guitarist and lead vocalist. Then there is Izzy Bigg, which I do vocals on and lead guitar. Then there is Lapdog, a covers band, that is just starting out. I have also landed a gig DJing a couple of days a week. Meanwhile, my social life is waking back up, I am feverishly working on my Oct. 12 deadline for my first novel "Snapped" (a fictional account of a Clusterhead), and prepping my next project, all while still writing songs. Everyday a song is waiting to be born. I have a few interested parties wanting guitar lessons, which will put me back in the teaching circuit after 7 years off.
So what's the stag?
My CH's are kicking back up in full swing. I have had 2 since midnight, and am afraid to sleep (can I get a WITNESS??? Can anyone RELATE?????)
I have worked mega fucking hard to overcome the obstacles that have come my way...even to the point of beating myself blind trying to keep up. Now, I have that ever-present hard shadow in my right temple, and I am powerless when a CH attack hits. My Doc wanted to try a new abortive since the Relpax was ineffective, but medicaid wouldn't cover it. Right now I have no pain med, no abortive, I am just riding them out hard and heavy. Which brings me to my question of faith....
A loving, caring, just, merciful god? Where in the fuck is he a 3:30 in the morning when I am worn out from slamming my head on the floor? I am a pretty merciful guy; can't stand to see someone squirm when I know I can help. It just goes beyond my reasoning... anyway... I am babbling, nervous...things are going so good I am terrified that these motherrepulsivefucking head jolts will once again (tried & true, just ask Martha) ruin my life, or what is left of it.
How in the fuck do other chronics hold a job, and keep up the front? I really want to know.
Ordering some cheese to go with my whine,
Carl D Fucking FREEk
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TomM
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #1 on: Aug 27th, 2003, 1:48pm » |
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Carl, your fears are justified but since you are an experienced CHer, you know that you will make it. Hang in there and don't let the bastard win!
TomM
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"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I'll go fishing."
--Thoreau--
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forgetfulnot
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #2 on: Aug 27th, 2003, 1:58pm » |
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Quote:| How in the fuck do other chronics hold a job, and keep up the front? I really want to know. |
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I did it Carl, seventeen years, don't have a clue as to how, it just happened. Then one day I was declared an insurance liability and shown the door.
I worked in a fairly small industry and the word got out quickly, no one would even return my calls, liability ya know.
Now my day is filled with Court TV, Doctor Phill and an occasional tenant complaint (slumlord) and this place.
Thank GOD for rental property. As you know, landlords can set their own schedule 
Lee
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Bob P
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #3 on: Aug 27th, 2003, 4:15pm » |
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"Can I do this, or will I go insane?"
I'm betting on #2, oops, too late.
Hey, hub's not around. I gotta pick on somebody!
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Mrs. Barlow, I never, and I repeat never, ever pissed in your steam iron.
"SHUT UP HUB!"
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brain_cramps
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #4 on: Aug 27th, 2003, 4:40pm » |
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Both!!! You CAN do this and you WILL go insane!
Look at everyone here. Does anyone strike you as having all of their marbles? 
grant
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Azrael
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #5 on: Aug 27th, 2003, 4:59pm » |
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Gimme back my marbles, ya dirty thief!
PFDAN................................. Drk^Angel
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Karla
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #6 on: Aug 27th, 2003, 5:25pm » |
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You will do this and you very well may go insane but there is help for you. After being hit 8x every day for years on end I just couldn't take it any more and had a mental breakdown. I started hearing voices and having paranoid delusions I was suicidal life just sucked. I couldn't face another day of the same old same old. I picked up the phone and called a mental health provider. I was imediately accessed a sucide risk, and was locked up on a phyc ward for 2 weeks and put on meds that helped stop the voices and helped with my depression. I was refered to a thereapist. I will probably have to be on these meds for life because as long as I have clusters I will face insanity. But I say that to say you are not alone. Help is a phone call away when you need it. There are people who do care and who are available for you locally and here on ch.com. Keep posting and don't be afraid to reach out when you need it. It helps keep the insanity down.
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Karla
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Kirk
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #7 on: Aug 27th, 2003, 5:39pm » |
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Can you do it? Sure you can..Will you go insane like the rest of us cronics. Well you're doomed DOOMED Bwahahahahaha.
Except for me I'm fine.
TTFN
PS What kind of cheese?
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Cooked Brain
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #8 on: Aug 27th, 2003, 5:48pm » |
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Hi Carl,
you CAN do this my friend! you just HAVE to! I can relate to your story in many ways, with the job the band, the music and the faith. I know very well what you mean with being afraid to go tp sleep... had the same for a long time, terrified to lay my head down, trying to stay awake as long as possible, or even better not waking up at all anymore... but you are not alone
try to get some meds, first ask for verapamil! do all the reading you can on this site. If you ever feel the need to chat about anything drop me a line through IM. Be well, keep yourself together, hang in there and keep posting! If you need to rage and roar than do so, we'll listen, anytime, you just say it...
best of luck to you
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"We can NOT solve our problems with the same kind of thinking that got us IN to the problem in the first place" Albert Einstein
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Linda_Howell
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #9 on: Aug 27th, 2003, 6:25pm » |
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Carl.........
I sent you a Christmas present once. A while back. I was going through the worst time of my life with these fuckers. It helped to know I was making you feel better.
Help someone else out, Carl.
LindaH
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cootie
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #10 on: Aug 27th, 2003, 8:41pm » |
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Sure Carl....you can do it....you won't go totally insane...you'll be alright ! Jus don't do the other thing that makes ya go blind (never mind) ! Pam that feels sorry fer whacking blind musicians
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kim
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #11 on: Aug 27th, 2003, 8:54pm » |
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Yes. You can do "this", and "insane" is all relevant. 
Well wishes.
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Ree
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #12 on: Aug 27th, 2003, 10:08pm » |
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Carl you have done this before and YES Yes Yes you CAN do it again... I think the CH attacks are hitting full swing again because you are burning the candle at both ends and probably mentally exhausted with all that responsibility on your plate... Remember I have the same birth date as you and I couldn't handle alllllllllll that stress... ((but I guess I sometime try to jam a Hell of a lot into my life too}}... When the beast lets ya, get some good sleep... take a day or two off from practicing or jamming with your bands... Tell them all to give you room or they will loose ya... and treat your shadows.... Dave discovered this cycle if he can get rid of a shadow it gives him more PF time in between hits... Good Luck Buddy... When you get famous I cant wait to say "I share a birthday with that freak!!!" love ya Ree
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Turts
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #13 on: Aug 28th, 2003, 4:16am » |
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Of course you can do this!!!
You've already started, and you dont even know it.
By simply starting this post shows the desire to throw on the armour and take this beast head on. And everyone else here is ready and willing to join you inthe front line. (everyone but me that is, I'm wearing a new shirt and i dont want it to get ruined.)
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'I'm very brave generally,' he went on in a low voice: 'only today I happen to have a headache.' (Lewis Carroll)
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ClusterChuck
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #14 on: Aug 28th, 2003, 4:31am » |
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Screw the shirt, Turts! Get back in line and do your job!
Everybody got their oar? Then start the drum cadence!
Carl, you WILL survive this! Crazy, but survive!
Chuck
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Turts
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #15 on: Aug 28th, 2003, 5:36am » |
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Dont worry about me Clusterchuck, I ll be in the front with William Wallace blue face paint and all.
Everybody here must be crazy, or they have never heard of outboard motors.
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'I'm very brave generally,' he went on in a low voice: 'only today I happen to have a headache.' (Lewis Carroll)
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ClusterChuck
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #16 on: Aug 28th, 2003, 6:02am » |
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I might like it better with the oars. I am not too fond of William Wallace's ending. I'm kinda attached to my head, although, now that I think of it, next time the beast decides to attack, maybe it is not such a bad idea!
Watch out! The blue paint is dripping onto your new shirt. Damn what a mess!!
Also, if you notice, there is no mounting for the outboard, just these oar locks. Oh well, back to rowing before that whip gets me ... (Or maybe that might be kinda nice ??)
Let me catch the beat here ...
Chuck
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"No man can be happy without a friend, nor be sure of his friend till he is unhappy."
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suzy617
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #17 on: Aug 28th, 2003, 6:05am » |
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Hang in Carl. Life does get better.
Now do as they say and start rowing or our Cootie girl will whack you in the head with an oar (thats her assigned job in here)
Suzy
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cathy
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #18 on: Aug 28th, 2003, 6:25am » |
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Carl when your 20 foot up a tree and you swing out...if they say "Let go of the rope" then you do it....If your in a boat with Kim and she say's ROW TO THE RIGHT then you ROW TO THE LEFT...what you don't do is not ROW....so pick up the oar and row row row.... ;D
I don't know about the rest of you, but me im perfectly normal..... 
PF vibes to you, there is light at the end of the torch...
Cathy
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| « Last Edit: Aug 28th, 2003, 6:26am by cathy » |
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ClusterChuck
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #19 on: Aug 28th, 2003, 6:30am » |
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Sure you are, Dear. Just keep telling yourself that: "I am ok. I am ok. I AM ok ..."
Do you beleive it yet?
Carl, join the chant:
(Repeat above till you are a beleiver, or you get hit over the head by Cootie's oar)
Chuck
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| « Last Edit: Aug 28th, 2003, 6:34am by ClusterChuck » |
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jminmilwaukee
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #20 on: Aug 28th, 2003, 7:11am » |
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James Cole: "This is a place for crazy people. I'm not crazy." Doctor ...
"We don't use that term "crazy," Mr. Cole.
James Cole: "You've got some real nuts here."
It's a good kind of crazy! It is the sane ones you need to be leary of - Jmin
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zanychef
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #21 on: Aug 28th, 2003, 12:30pm » |
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yes carl you CAN do it i been chronic for 8 yrs now an still have kept a job etc
mind you i am a raving lunatic lol
;D ;D
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plenty of time to sleep now me headaches aint too bad
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ksmiggy
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #22 on: Aug 28th, 2003, 4:00pm » |
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HI Carl
Isanity comes as standard with CH, but i too have found burning the candle both ends increases my attacks.
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Turts
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #23 on: Aug 30th, 2003, 6:01am » |
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OK OK I surrender. Pass me an oar. CH's are bad but Cootie smacking me with an oar is worse. I now know from experience.
Can anyone helpout with the artist who sang
"I will survive".
Seems to be a fitting song for this post.
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'I'm very brave generally,' he went on in a low voice: 'only today I happen to have a headache.' (Lewis Carroll)
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Carl_D
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Re: Can I do this, or will I go insane?
« Reply #24 on: Aug 30th, 2003, 6:04am » |
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I do believe that is by Miss Gloria Gaynor, or I could be mistaken. Now if you ask about Nine Inch Nails or Tool, I could definitely help ya out there.
;D ;D ;D ;D
Carl
P.S. - Who's not sleeping?
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