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Topic: Needing of help... (Read 848 times) |
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Jill
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Needing of help...
« on: May 29th, 2003, 8:34am » |
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This is totally off of any topic and I am not sure that I can write this here or not....but I am.
I have seen threads about people losing their family members - my condolences to those that have and my thoughts to those going through hard times - and it has triggered me into posting this.... Did that make any sense at all?
It has been a month now since my dad passed away or 'disappeared' as I have come to think of it - a month already. But the pain is no easier even as our life tries to move foward.
Anyways - I am not sure what the point of this post is but I am so confused right now anyways, so that explains it part way. I keep thinking that he is comming home and I got so mad at mom (not directly but inside of me) that she got rid of his clothes because, to me, he is going to need them when he comes home. Stupid, huh?
I guess that I am asking for help in my own ways - I am not sure how to stop excepting him to come how. How to accept that he is gone and that I will never get the hug, hand holding or whatever that I desire so badly from him. Any ideas? Is it a personal thing or is it one of the 'Jill stupid' things?
I am serious here, please dont tell me that I have to 'suck it up' because part of me knows that but right now I cant even cry (sometimes at Church I do) because I dont believe or understand that he is gone. I am so messed up - maybe I shouldnt even post here.....
Sorry guys...
Jill
Oh and my head - dont ask - it is being evil and it has become that vicodin with valium every few hours has become a necessity....
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cootie
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #1 on: May 29th, 2003, 8:49am » |
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Jill......I lost it when my best freind got slaughter'd ina horrible car wreck with her husband.....I was also working for her and they were building a new fancy house with fancy new kennel I would get to help design and would of course run and be part of....I was in my glory !! Got the rug pulled out from under me big time when the accident happen'd....lost my job my best freinds and partner in a new business venture....and was left in charge of the kennel and dogs left behind and pups no one else knew nothing about...had to find new homes for them and be there every day till all were gone. I complelety lost my way in life.....the doc told me it would take about TWO years to get over it....or at least used to the idea the 'party was over' between me and my freinds. They weren't comeing back.....got pretty scarey for a while how I felt.....it still bothers me BAD but for the most part my mind has gotten used to the fact there gone. Now I deal with memories. Give it time girl....drugs don't really help 'except to pass the time in a fog' that you are expected to endure "till" you feel sumwhat better about it all or with some piece of mind. And I'll admit some of the meds may help you there for a while endure sum of that time.....just remember "it will take time"....and it's ok to feel how you do !! Time does heal wounds.....but it's alot of time. Stay busy.......best thing you can do....get into things you love to do or enjoy like projects ect or hobbies......trust me it helps...I had some pretty bad moments and my thoughts got carried away and keepin busy saved me !!! Hang tough......Pam that still has 4 parents but two less freinds.....(email me if you need to tay ?)
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Ree
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #2 on: May 29th, 2003, 9:01am » |
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Death is a very hard thing to deal with... I always rely on my faith because I believe that life on earth is not the big picture for me... I always wonder how people feel that have no faith...
I also lost a close sis in law to a horrible car accident and like you cootie we were starting a business venture. I felt the same way, the carpet got pulled right out from under me... It made me realize that there are no guarantees in life.
Jill I am crushed for you as is Dave. He lost his dad when he was just 11 and didnt have any great role models aftet that. Sometimes when I see what a struggle being a dad is for him. I remember that he doesnt have alot to go by... My dad is 80 not young like your dad was when he died. But realizing no guarantees I cherish each day I see him wondering if it will be my last...
When we go through a death it is for us permanent. I can remember looking into cars while driving down the street... and saying why are those people smiling when I feel so miserable inside. Wanting to grasp any stories about life after life, angels and the idea of Heaven in hope that some day, I could see my sister in law again. I loved her that much.
We should live each day and treat each individual in it with respect and love and remember this may be the last day on Earth for that person or for ourselves. We need to learn by losing people and make a positve experience from it no matter how hurtful the experience. Even if it means helping someone through that has gone through a similar experience. Love to you I will be thinking about you today Jill... take care of you and your family, savor the moments we all have left. Ree
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Spindrift
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Jill, I'm sure I speak for everyone here in offering our condolences and assuring you that we're ready to help. Unfortunately nothing but time will take care of the emotional pain. But it will go away, I guarantee it. Although I'm a good deal older than you are, I also lost my dad last year. It's never easy. If there's anything I can do please don't hesitate to write.
Among your many friends,
Spin
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nancyann
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #4 on: May 29th, 2003, 9:25am » |
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Jill,
In reading your post, I see reflections of my own pain in losing my grandmother. She was my best freind growing up. Fifteen years later I still close my eyes and smell her as though she were sitting next to me. It's ok to be angry about your mom getting rid of your dad's things. Just as long as you don't take it out on her. Try and talk to her about it. It's ok to get angry. Get good and angry. I still get angry. It's my way of dealing with it. I think if I didn't I'd explode inside. Just know that with each passing day it does get better. As time goes on it gets easier. Learn to close your eyes and feel him near and smile at the smell of him, the tingle you might get of his memory and feel warm inside. Learn to embrace that moment.
You might one day be able to learn that he has not really left you but is with you on a different level.
When times get really tough I find myself talking to my grandmother as though she were my angel and I find comfort. Hey, it's what works for me. You'll find what works for you.
It just takes time. It takes time to heal.
You will be in my prayers.
Nancy
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CathiP
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Jill,
As you know, I never feel sorry for the ones who leave us behind, I feel sorry for us, left here to deal with the hole in our lives, instead. As I've told you, I never thought I would get over the death of my father, but slowly, surprisingly, as each day passed, it got easier. Some days can be hard, others easier and you just have to let yourself react.
Lean on your mom- and provide support for her as well, talk about your dad, cry together. It WILL get easier. Gil was, and still is, my rock, and being the first of us to go through the loss of a parent gave me some inner strength when both his parents died. I asked him now, 2 yrs after his father's death, how he is coping. He told me what I just told you.....some days it's a walk in the park, other days, something will just hit him. There is no time line.
Jill, your dad had a marvelous sense of humor, and he found such joy in life. Please ask yourself how he feels knowing how sad you are....and how much that is affecting all the aspirations he had for YOUR life.
Now, be kind to your self.......oh and remind Martin he's OLD!
Cathi
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| « Last Edit: May 29th, 2003, 9:57am by YR_FREINDCATHI » |
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Roxy
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #6 on: May 29th, 2003, 9:54am » |
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Jill,
I have lost all my grandparents, and both my parents. I lost my father just three years ago. We worked side by side together for years, and when he died it left this huge gaping hole inside of me. Day in and day out, everytime I turned around, I expected him to be there. I would look down the road at our place, time after time, just knowing his truck would be driving down it.
Unfortunately, the only thing that is going to heal you is time. For me, the hurt and pain are still there, but is has become much easier to bear. The old cliche that time heals all wounds may sound trite, but it is true. Take your life one day at a time, you can make it through anything for one day.
Grief comes in stages, and anger is one of them. So don't guilt yourself out about being mad. Just let the anger go....when you can.
Tracey
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Joanie
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #7 on: May 29th, 2003, 10:24am » |
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Jill,
It's never easy to lose a loved one and you will certainly feel that the pain will never end. It's okay to feel grief and feel lost without your dad. Ree's post so wonderfully reflected my feelings and beliefs also. I lost two of my brothers many years ago. I thought I would never get over the pain, but I did. Faith and the belief that they moved on to more wonderful things helps to get through the tough times.
Remember your dad with love and a smile and give yourself lots of time to heal.
Sending prayers your way during this difficult time.
Joanie
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maggie_may
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #8 on: May 29th, 2003, 10:38am » |
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Jill,
It's really difficult to deal with the death of someone you love so much. I was a kid - only 11 years old - when I lost my mom's stepdad. Then, within the next 18 months, I lost my mom's mother and my dad's mother.
I was angry and didn't fully understand. It wasn't until I started college 7 years later that I started to come around about my mom's parents. 2 months ago I finally got to go to California where they lived to say my final goodbye. I felt so incredibly sad there, but as my mom and I were leaving, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. Like I can deal with it much easier than I did before I went.
We lived with my dad's mom in the upstairs apartment, and after she died, my parents moved downstairs and into her room. I was angry, but then I held it all in. That's a bad idea - it made me depressed for years after. But after ten years, I finally accepted her death. I made my peace with it. Two years later, I try to get to the cemetary as often as I can for my Dad's mom. I talk to her when I'm there and tell her about all the things that are going on in my life. I ask her to guide me when I have problems or questions about things.
And I KNOW that the three of them are standing with me always. I talk with them and think about them several times a day and it makes me feel better. Still, sometimes I get sad, but I have the good memories to make me smile. I'm still dealing with it, but it's gotten easier over time.
Sadness, frustration, anger, feelings of depression - I think they are all normal. Talk with your mom, you both need to lean on each other. Everyone's time is different. Just take as much of it as you need.
sending prayers and thoughts to you,
maggie
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| « Last Edit: May 29th, 2003, 10:39am by maggie_may » |
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don
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These are the five phases of the grieving process;
1-Numbness:
This reaction often follows the death of a loved one and may last for seven to ten days. A sense of being paralyzed, distant, and removed from one's feelings of grief is present. Some have referred to numbing as the body's mechanism for protecting itself from being overwhelmed by the shock of the loss.
2-Denial and Isolation:
Here the bereaved individual has significant difficulty accepting the reality of their loss. This may be expressed in more severe forms as a complete denial of the death or in less severe forms in lapses of thinking and behaving as if the person had really died. While complete acceptance is part of the work of the entire grief process, the initial more acute difficulties with acceptance are included in this phase.
3-Anger:
In this phase the bereaved person feels anger with the world, fate, God, or people in their lives. A sense of "Why me?" and/or "Why not someone else?" give a flavor of this phase. Bargaining with God for the return of the dead person may be part of this phase
4-Depression:
As acknowledgement and acceptance of the loss and the reality of life after the loss grow, sadness and depression become more present.
5-Acceptance:
The bereaved person comes to terms with the loss, and is able to move on to re-invest in the new life that lies ahead. An absence of the extremes of emotion previously experienced is present.
More recently, mental health professionals, with the help of the bereaved, have come to understand that there are tasks involved in grief work that may occur in varied sequence and often simultaneously as the work of one task will move along the work in other tasks. Drawing on the work of Worden, Leick and Davidsen-Nielson (1991) describe four basic tasks that the bereaved individual needs to achieve in order to integrate their experience of loss into their life and move toward investing in a new life without the lost loved one
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Jill
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #10 on: May 29th, 2003, 10:51am » |
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Thanks guys....
I know that each day is supposed to get easier but, for me, each day is a bit harder. Everyday I get this feeling of pure disappointment that overwhelms me because he didnt come home. Then each night I pray that he will come home and all day I pretend that he is but then the disappointment comes again - a vicous circle that I cant seem to break.
It didnt help that before I moved back home, I met with my psychologist who laid this guilt trip on me that was unbelieveable. She said that whomever is above us decides when it is our time to go based on when we have accomplished what we have set out to do. She said that I moved away from home and didnt need him anymore, so it was his time to go. That is a bunch of crap because mom and I needed him badly but she layed it on deep and it still hurts. I really believed that it was my fault and am just now learning/recognizing that it isnt.
Anyways - I am meeting with a grief counselor tomorrow and then mom and I are going to go to a support group in June. It is more for me than for her because she is doing much better with bad parts of certain days but so much better than me. I guess that we are two different people and that is why - she hopes that he will come home and I expect him too. Messed up, I know.
And as far as getting mad at mom about the clothes - I would never take it out on her because that would be too wrong. I just go outside and deal with it myself or just hide it. We talk alot - about how I feel, how she feels, and lots and lots about dad. It is nice to talk to her so much.
Thanks for all of the help - I am having a very hard time dealing with all of this but I know in time it will get easier but it just isnt right now. And everytime that I see something for father's day it is like a knife in the heart and I just want to cry and sometimes I do.
Thanks again - you all are surely the best...
Jill
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suzy617
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #11 on: May 29th, 2003, 11:04am » |
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Jill, Yes this is part of the grieving process you are going through and yes in time (and everyone is different) the pain will lessen. I lost my Dad when he was 59 many years ago. I think of him always with fond and loving memories. Life will getter better for you, I promise.
I also believe in the big picture and do believe that someday we will all be back together again.
Hang in there.....
suzy
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Not4Hire
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #12 on: May 29th, 2003, 11:09am » |
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jill...please check your Instant Messages...thanks...N4
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CathiP
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Jill, please reread Don's post. The steps are there- and there IS no shortcut! Each phase you must actively participate in, I can never remember the order, but, all jumbled up, you still must move through the anger, the denial, the paralysis....the others which escape me right now....moving eventually to acceptance.
Jill, my dad died of cancer 18 yrs ago....6 months later, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. The agony of the possibility of losing BOTH parents was nearly more than I could handle. Maybe it was having my mother to focus on that made my grieving process easier to pass through.....but I know, having something to focus on also helped me. BTW- mom is fine! Keep yourself focused on something.....it will help.....and keep your father's love close to your heart.
Cathi
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TomM
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #14 on: May 29th, 2003, 1:22pm » |
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on May 29th, 2003, 10:51am, Jill wrote:| I know that each day is supposed to get easier but, for me, each day is a bit harder. |
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Not exactly. The steps Don mentioned are sort of linear but you will have your ups and downs. That is given.
on May 29th, 2003, 10:51am, Jill wrote:| She said that I moved away from home and didnt need him anymore, so it was his time to go. |
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I think you misinterpreted what was said. She meant that your dad did his job raising you, you're a women and on your own...not that he was not needed anymore. Everyone is needed by someone and clearly your dad was needed by you and your mom.
I spent the long weekend with my wife's family because her grand dad died. Do you know what helped THE most? Everyone telling stories, crying about the stories, and telling more stories. Do we miss him? HELL YA! Just like you miss your dad.
Here is my 2 cents: Pray, if you have faith. Do not expect him to come through the door because he won't. Talk to your mom, tell the stories, cry, wipe the tears and remember the good times. Be thankful for what you had instead of what will not be. And mostly, be vocal. Do not shut up. Continue to keep us informed.
Thoughts and prayers.
TomM
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ZAIRA
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #15 on: May 29th, 2003, 2:07pm » |
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Jill... I sent you a private message... 
Zaira
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cootie
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #16 on: May 29th, 2003, 2:11pm » |
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Jill.....my girlfreind I lost's daughter found a thick hard backed book she read called 'Talking to Angel's'......not sure if you can type in the words and find the book or what but it seem'd to help her thru alot of the grief she had to go thru loosein her mom and best freind and aquire some higher power understanding he was seeking . Also.....I went thru spells when I lost my freinds....I got MAD at them for a while for leaveing that weekend when I had strange vibes I didn't think they should go (if I followed that I'd be nuts by now and never go anywhere but it stuck in my head).....I was mad I was stuck with the kennel and makeing disisions I hoped my freind would of agree'd with when it was dispers'd and felt guilty wondering if things were goin as she'd want. I felt guilty and sad and depressed and mad at the world.....even thought about checkin out myself cuz I couldn't deal with this everyday crap goin thru my head ! Yer shrink didn't help you it sounds and don't think they should rate things with religion or anything bias and 'just be a third party' to talk everything out with....there beliefs aren't what you paid for. I also went to one and it did help even tho I didn't think so for the first month or so.....I talked the subject to death till I walked in her office one day and had nothin to say. You'll be ok.....old habits are hard to break of expecting your dad to walk in the door......give it alot of time. Also I think some people want to git rid of possesions because of the tight linked memories....it's a way of letting go for sum....wether rite or wrong....consious or unconsiously. Take care and hang in there girl.....Love to you Pam da memory lane coot
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TomM
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #17 on: May 29th, 2003, 3:07pm » |
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Elizabeth Kulber-Ross wrote On Death and Dying And I highly recommend it. In it she states: "This grief, shame, and guilt are not far removed from feelings of anger and rage. The process of grief always includes some qualities of anger. Since none of us likes to admit anger at a deceased person, these emotions are often disguised or repressed and prolong the period of grief or show up in other ways." This book can be found at www.amazon.com for $10.40.
TomM
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Edna
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #18 on: May 29th, 2003, 3:09pm » |
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Jill, glad you posted so that someway the responses you get will help you out.
Check your email gal, but just remember...........although it hurts, dad's not coming home in the way you want him to......but search your heart and your thoughts and listen to what you hear..........He's already THERE!!
EDNA
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Jackie
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #19 on: May 29th, 2003, 3:19pm » |
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Jill,
You have gotten a lot of good advice here. These people are posting to you from their hearts and sharing their experiences with grief and the healing process.
I lost my Daddy too. I was with him when he took his last breath. I was touching him and felt his life slip away. I'm telling you this so you will understand where I'm coming from. I know the loss of a beloved Father.
Now....you mentioned being mad at your Mother for getting rid of his things. I'm going to tell you what helped me through the grief.....helping my Mom helped me!!!! I thought the grief I was feeling was going to kill me....then I thought, wait a minute.....what about my Mom?? I've lost my Dad but she has lost her partner, soul mate, husband, love of her life, best friend, etc. I got my shit together pretty darn quick and went to work doing anything I could for my Mom.....maybe you could try the same thing. Remember she was there for you, wiping you snot nose and changing you britches...now maybe it's your turn. Your life will go on to the next stage...you'll leave home again and build your own life....what will Mom do? Thinking of these things got me off the pity pot and I got busy...seeing to my Mom and trying to hold our family up through the grief. When we help someone else we ultimately help ourself...when we put someone elses feeling ahead of our own, our feelings don't hurt nearly as much. It's good therapy, Jill. I hope this is taken as it is meant....with compassion.
Jackie
I'm not sure how much good the valium and vicodin is doing you but I bet not much.
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don
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Quote:everytime that I see something for father's day it is like a knife in the heart and I just want to cry and sometimes I do.
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Same here Jill and my Pop has been gone for 9 years.
Quote:I just want to cry and sometimes I do.
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And I'm not the least bit ashamed of it. It's OK.
Pop's favorite song was "What a Beautiful World" by Louis Armstrong. I still have a hard time when I hear it but it always makes me smile. Ironically, Pop had every reason to believe it wasn't such a beautiful world, but he always kept his chin up, and so do I.
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| « Last Edit: May 29th, 2003, 3:27pm by don » |
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cathy
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #21 on: May 29th, 2003, 3:27pm » |
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Jill Im sure as this thread grows you will see that everyone here has at some time lost a loved one...I lost my mum and dad within 11 months of each other, noone can prepare us for the hurt, grief and sorrow we feel, but we can all tell you that the hurt goes as time is a great healer, we never forget our loved ones because we have the the memories. You will always have those noone can ever take them from you.
Jackie has given you some great advice and I hope you will take it.
Wishing you PF times.
Cathy
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oringkid
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Jill,
My mother died last year, 2 days before mother's day and 7 days after my birthday. It was not as sudden and unexpected as your father, but my mother had always been in good health and from the time of diagnoses to the time of death was only 6 wks.
She lied to us all, even my father. Told us it was nothing, was taken care of etc. When I called her doctor because things seemed strange, he told me she had only days or weeks left. I got on a bus (all we could afford) and rode for 4 days from AZ to VA. She died 2 days before I got there. I felt sooooo guilty. I felt soooo angry with her for not telling us how bad it was. I never got to say good bye.
BUT
I looked to the clouds, the mountains, the fields and could feel her there. I talked to her. Told her how I felt. Told her how angry I was. Told her how sorry I was that I wasn't there. And I could feel her with me.
Now, sometimes, she is in the sun on my face. I see her in the butterfly that lands near me. I feel her touch in the gentle breeze that lifts my hair. She is gone from this world, but still exists...in my memories...in my heart. I see her smile sometimes in my face, and hear her laughter in my voice.
Just listen and feel and watch...you will know him. And you know that he will always be with you. Closer now than ever. Don't look for him to come through the door. Feel him in your heart. He still wants you to be happy and healthy and have fun and feel joy.
Sherry
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cootie
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Re: Needing of help...
« Reply #23 on: May 29th, 2003, 4:37pm » |
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Brad's dad died on 'father's day'......imagine that !! He was there with him in the hospital at the end but was reluctant to go.....it wasn't easy.....and he has strange memories haveing it end the way it did and drawn out. Father's day is kinda a strange day for us. Jus thought I'd share that Pam-kin's
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Cause and Effect......"Cause is the effect concealed, Effect is the cause revealed"
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Wendy the Brit
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Hello Jill
Don's post, although very theoretical, is about as spot on as it gets. Every single person goes through these phases when they suffer a terrible loss like you have. All I would add is that the progression takes very different amounts of time for different people. You can't rush it BUT you can move through it more quickly via counselling and open talking with your family and friends. The time when the process 'blocks' and you get stuck in depression is when you close off and don't talk. People I have worked with who have done this find it very, very difficult to move into acceptance. They also find it hard to carry on with their own lives. I am so sure your Dad would want to you to miss him, but equally sure he would want you to go through this process and be able to get on with a happy life.
I send you every prayer and wish from over the pond
Wendy
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