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Slammy
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A Brief Military History of France
« on: Feb 12th, 2003, 8:06pm » |
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So the French still aren't on board with us spanking Iraq. Oh boo hoo. Let's take a look at the mighty French military prowess, shall we?
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkish Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule
of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but rather "How long until France surrenders?"
Slammy 
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jonny
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #1 on: Feb 12th, 2003, 8:14pm » |
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WOW!!!.........I got a French rifle on e-bay.
Never used and dropped many times.
...........................jonny
(Access of weasles)
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| « Last Edit: Feb 12th, 2003, 8:16pm by jonny » |
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Jarvis
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #2 on: Feb 12th, 2003, 8:58pm » |
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"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. ...........................whats an Esquimaux?
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Mark C
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #3 on: Feb 12th, 2003, 9:12pm » |
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He he he he
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=31001
http://tinpan.fortunecity.com/haight/969/oui.html
www.francesucks.net
"I was at a celebration of India's Independence Day, and a Frenchman came walking up to me and started talking to me about Iraq, and it was obvious we were not going to agree. And I said, 'Wait a minute. Do you speak German?' And he looked at me kind of funny and said, 'No, I don't speak German.' And I said, 'You're welcome,' turned around and walked off."
-- Tom DeLay (the House Majority Leader)
http://www.nicedoggie.net/archives/000391.html
http://brokennewz.com/worldnews/frenchadvisors.asp
More later.....
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| « Last Edit: Feb 13th, 2003, 1:19am by Mark C » |
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Charlie
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #4 on: Feb 12th, 2003, 9:14pm » |
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Quote:| World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States |
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This isn't very true as we weren't the major player but that was pretty cute.
Even simpler: France attacks its friends and surrenders to its enemies.
Charlie
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Roxy
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #5 on: Feb 12th, 2003, 9:42pm » |
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;D Go Slammy Go 
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jimmers
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #6 on: Feb 12th, 2003, 9:49pm » |
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Slammy,
Thanx for the great post!!!!!!!!!!!!
And to the two people who tried to rip on me for what I said on a different thread pertaining to the same subject I say "OOPS" ;D
Thanxagain Slammy, you da man! 
Seeya,
Jim J. (See jonny, I knew I could do it!) HONK!!!!!!!!
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Lenny
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #7 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 9:53am » |
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Slammy,
Fantastic post !! I was there in august of 1994, they wre celabrating the 50 years liberation of france ( i beleive it started on 08-12-94 )every morning they had parades and in the evening more celabrations with fireworks,etc.. What i am getting to is this fucked up nation and their citizens act ed as if this Charles DeGaulle liberated them by himself ( there were many military men and women from the U.S. ).Now i went to 2 of these events in the evening (partying,drinking,but most of all i was there for the ladies ;D). I was disguested how they would honor their own as if they did all the fighting and more or less not even mention the Americans( there was appr.3 ships of American military there for this )as for myself i just happen to be there with acouple of of bud's while this was going on.I felt so bad for the American( military people that were there ) it was as if they were'nt. BOYCOTT anything from FRANCE,GERMANY and KOREA !!! Just how i feel.
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Lenny
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #8 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 10:05am » |
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One more thing,during the gulf war, their news were claiming that we were buring these poor iraqi soldiers alive ( even the one's that were surrendering ). A very good friend of mine was there and this is what the french news media was reporting.
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jimmers
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #9 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 10:06am » |
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Mark C.
I am literally ROTFLMMFAO!!!!! ;D ;D ;D
Seeya,
Jimbo
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Ted
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #10 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 10:54am » |
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on Feb 13th, 2003, 10:05am, Lenny wrote:| One more thing,during the gulf war, their news were claiming that we were buring these poor iraqi soldiers alive ( even the one's that were surrendering ). A very good friend of mine was there and this is what the french news media was reporting. |
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We did. It was reported on our news too. Morbid as it is, it was a pretty clever thing to do. It was so simple it was genius. Our big fear for having casualties then was that the Iraqis were building trenches and tunnels in the desert and there would be some pretty heavy firefights to get by these entrenched soldiers. So, often our first line of advancing troops were bulldozers that just filled in the trenches and closed off all tunnels. Got rid of that problem and saved probably hundred or thousands of American soldiers' lives.
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don
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #11 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 11:31am » |
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With a little luck they will fight alondside the Iraqis.
They too can surrender to photographers.
The Arc de Run Away Run Away!
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Riccardo
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #12 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 12:01pm » |
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on Feb 12th, 2003, 8:06pm, Slammy wrote:
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Slammy |
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Mr Slammy I'm really upset with you!!
Why do you start this offensive words about Italian valour?
And have you forgotten when in IRAQ, our air force hardly fought against Saddam?
So we only won 2 wars? Not correct!
In fact, Italy, from when is in this actual boot shape.... (and a "boot shape" tells clearly how we are....)
NEVER WON A BATTLE!!!! EVER
The 2 wars against French were between French and Piedmont (Savoy Monarchy there.... and... for the record.... where I actually live...)
So ..... don't say Italy is a poor winner of wars...... NEVER WON!
Oh...Ahem... and in IRAQ, 10 years ago..... two pilots on a hunter.... the unique mission ..... both caught, both prisoners......and without a shot from air or ground..... a success!.... ;D
I hope that Italy will not have to fight..... NEVER!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Riccardo OUCH-Italia
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cbolony
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #13 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 12:05pm » |
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Quote:| Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. |
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Great post
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Ueli
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #14 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 1:13pm » |
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Only three words to this thread:
Fucking Ugly Americans
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fubar
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #15 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 2:09pm » |
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C'mon Ueli,
First of all, a fair bit of this is toungue-in-cheek humor, but you can't argue with history, even when you're fed the sanitized and Americanized versions that we are fed by our media and schools.
I wonder about France's motives behind their position, but I haven't seen any speculation about that, have you? The only discussion is about America's damn-the-torpedoes march towards war.
Remember:
"France will always be there when they need us!" -anonymous
-Fu
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"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
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fubar
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #16 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 4:25pm » |
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"Going to war without France is like going deer-hunting without an accordion" -anoymous
(Ueli...relax, it's a joke)
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| « Last Edit: Feb 13th, 2003, 4:31pm by fubar » |
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"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
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Slammy
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #17 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 4:32pm » |
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on Feb 13th, 2003, 1:13pm, Ueli wrote:Only three words to this thread:
Fucking Ugly Americans
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Ewwwwwwwww Wayley!
Why would you want to fuck an ugly American? 
Slammy
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jonny
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #18 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 4:47pm » |
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Man, I was just about to post a pic of a beautiful American Mule. But then I thunk (yes, thunk) that Ueli was just in a bad mood like I get in sometimes and type things I dont really mean.
I could be wrong.
..........................jonny
HONK!!!!!
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oringkid
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #19 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 5:08pm » |
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The French are lovers, not fighters! Ask any Frenchman!
I have a friend who is French and last I talked to him, (before xmas 2001) his government was really having/causing problems. I don't know what is going on right now, but my own personal opinion is that France will wait to see who gets on board with who, and try to deduce where their best interests lie and align themselves accordingly.
Sherry
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Mark C
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #20 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 5:38pm » |
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on Feb 13th, 2003, 1:13pm, Ueli wrote:Only three words to this thread:
Fucking Ugly Americans
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The International Toll of September 11, 2001.
Information provided by the US Department of State.
Countries Who Lost Citizens in the World Trade Center Attacks.
Antigua & Barbuda
Argentina
Australia
Austria
Bahamas
Bangladesh
Barbados
Belgium
Belarus
Belize
Bolivia
Brazil
Cambodia
Canada
Chile
China
Colombia
Costa Rica
Czech Republic
Dominica
Dominican Republic Ecuador
Egypt
El Salvador
France
Germany
Ghana
Greece
Guatemala
Guyana
Haiti
Honduras
Hong Kong
India
Indonesia
Iran
Ireland
Israel
Italy
Jamaica
Japan Jordan
Kenya
Lebanon
Luxembourg
Malaysia
Mexico
Morocco
The Netherlands
New Zealand
Nicaragua
Norway
Pakistan
Panama
Paraguay
Peru
Philippines
Poland
Portugal
Romania
Russia
Slovakia South Africa
South Korea
Spain
Sri Lanka
St. Kitts & Nevis
St. Lucia
Sweden
Switzerland
Taiwan
Thailand
Trinidad & Tobago
Turkey
Ukraine
United Kingdom
United States of America
Uruguay
Uzbekistan
Venezuela
Yemen
Zimbabwe
Looks like we are not the only one's who should be "Fucking Ugly".
For a list of Fucking Ugly Americans killed and other innocents, in one attack, click here.
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Slammy
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #21 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 5:44pm » |
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Hey! What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their arms up? ;D
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jonny
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #22 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 5:50pm » |
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on Feb 13th, 2003, 5:44pm, Slammy wrote:Hey! What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their arms up? ;D
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PUSSIES!!!!?
.......................jonny
HONKER!!!!
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Mark C
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #23 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 5:52pm » |
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on Feb 13th, 2003, 5:44pm, Slammy wrote:Hey! What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their arms up? ;D
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What?
???
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Slammy
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Re: A Brief Military History of France
« Reply #24 on: Feb 13th, 2003, 5:55pm » |
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on Feb 13th, 2003, 5:50pm, jonny wrote:
PUSSIES!!!!?
.......................jonny
HONKER!!!!
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Close! no, their Army! ;D
Slammy
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