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Topic: The Dance Goes On.... (Read 844 times) |
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Jill
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"Life is a series of goodbyes and hellos" Billy J.
  
 
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The Dance Goes On....
« on: Nov 24th, 2002, 8:15pm » |
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It seems the beast has chosen me as his dance partner, decided that I am the one for him to have, he tells me it is forever. He has chosen me to drag to below the mountain, into his world, into his life, into a pit of pain. He drags me into the fire, into the sharpest of thorns, into a thousand swords that stab into me, never stopping, never missing. The depth of hell is all that can be seen through this dance, nothing but pain, anguish, and pure hatred.
An end to this can’t be seen, not now, maybe not ever. The beast holds onto me, tighter and tighter the hold gets until I can feel his hot breath on my neck, the fire in my eyes, the smell of hatred all around me. He comes so close that I can see the torture in his eyes, the fierceness in his face, the determination to beat me in his expressions. So close that I cant see anything else but him, so close that I have to close my eyes, close my eyes so to avoid the pain. He is so close, I can feel him begin his beat, his claws begin to rip my eye out, his swords of fire reach into my head. All I can do is bang my head, trying to stop the pain and cry, scream, beg for it to end.
I beg him to stop, I tell him that he cant have me, I tell him to die but he laughs, he laughs in my face, ripping at my heart, tearing at my soul. He laughs so hard that the pain gets sharper in me and I scream out, he laughs harder. He tells me that I am his, forever, he wont let me go, he won’t loosen the grip. Stop the dance I plea to him, nothing but laughter, nothing but pain. I beg, I plea, I cry but for what…more pain? I try to beat him with water, I try to destroy the pain with the coldness, I try to run…he laughs harder, he seers the pain in me. He tells me its useless, he tells me I am stupid, he tells me that I cant win…
I see now, the others have left; there are no other partners. It is just he and I, the only two on the dance floor, in the dark, in the emptiness, just us. This pain, this agony, this hatred, this Hell, no one wants to see it, no one wants to help. Everyone is gone, no one to yell to, no one to beg for help, no one who understands the misery, no one who even wants to. It is just us, to dance, just him to comfort me with his words of evil, only his promise to not leave me. Only him and I, forever, he promises.
I used to dream of pain free days, used to hope for a future without him, used to wish for the stars before he took all of those hopes, those dreams, those wishes, even my faith and broke them just as my tear breaks the water when it falls on it. He threw into his pit of fire, into his pit of Hell, never to be found again.
Now what do I do? How do I fight him when nothing it seems is working? When can we stop? Why does this go on? Why cant I have a break from the pain? What did I do? How can I make it stop? Is it so much to ask for a break from the dancing, just an minure, an hour, a day, anything at all?
All I have are questions, no answers, no understanding.. just questions that never seem to end, to disappear, to be answered.
Indeed, questions and this dance is all that I have......
Jill
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"If you learn from your suffering and really come to understand the lesson you were taught you might be able to help someone else who is now in the phase. Maybe that is what its all about after all.."
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OneEyeBlind
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #1 on: Nov 24th, 2002, 8:36pm » |
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Jill, you said "I see now, the others have left; there are no other partners. It is just he and I, the only two on the dance floor, in the dark, in the emptiness, just us."
It will never be just you and the beast as long as I am around. Remember that, please. I am here for you. While I cannot stop the pain, I can understand it; While I cannot stop the dance, I can dance with you; While I cannot stop your suffering, I can hold out a helping hand. Remember I am here.
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Charlie
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #2 on: Nov 24th, 2002, 8:41pm » |
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Not much I can say Jill but things will get better. I know that's hard to imagine during a cycle but it's mostly true. It's historically the case over time. I hope you'll find it true for your CH as well, but I hate that you are still in his sights.
Feel free to rant all you want. Being a sounding board is what we do.
Charlie
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| « Last Edit: Nov 24th, 2002, 8:42pm by Charlie » |
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domm
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #3 on: Nov 24th, 2002, 9:14pm » |
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Damn Jill - your post brought tears to my eyes. Don't know how I can help, but I want you to know you are not alone and there is hope.
What are you doing to stop the music? Let us help.
domm
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cootie
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #4 on: Nov 24th, 2002, 9:53pm » |
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Very emotional post.....really got to me too.....I wish you all to be PF......
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| « Last Edit: Nov 24th, 2002, 9:54pm by cootie » |
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ShariRae
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #5 on: Nov 24th, 2002, 10:25pm » |
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Jill,
so well written. Never ever feel like you are alone..you are here...you are home....we all understand...never alone again..
Huggsss
You are loved
Shari
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Slydog
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #6 on: Nov 24th, 2002, 10:41pm » |
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Jill What an emotional post! Please don't feel alone.....we are here for you.
Sly
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Jarvis
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #7 on: Nov 24th, 2002, 11:18pm » |
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Very well written Jill. Those are the words that many of us search for and most of us hear.
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Lori
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #8 on: Nov 25th, 2002, 12:32am » |
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Jill remember you are not alone in this. It may seem like it at times, but you are not alone. You have to keep the faith and have hope otherwise the beast wins. He won't win. We can all fight him, together. Continue to be strong Jill, you will beat this. I'm glad you put your thoughts into words. You are wonderful at expressing yourself. Hope it helped you too.
Remember to IM me if you need to chat tonight. I'm here at work.
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Blessings and PFDAN,
Lori
Psalm 23:4 ~ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
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SommelierCH
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #9 on: Nov 25th, 2002, 12:58am » |
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Dear Jill,
I just read your last post, through my one squinty eye, been up for about 33 hours, so I might not make much sense. Oxygen helps me, but it doesn’t keep the beast at bay forever. Have to hit it every 2 hours or so. I already took my limit of Zomig ZMT 5 mg., hell, I guess it’s now a new 24, maybe I’ll do another Zomig and try to hit the sack.
I just wanted to share a little. First, you never, never, never have to say that you are sorry, for anything that you post, just let it go. You are loved and welcomed here.
Second, you have a gift, a wonderful, horrible gift. I have never read anything like that before. You must write, write and keep writing, this is your way out. Pull the beast out of you with your wonderful words. You have an opening into something that maybe no other writer has ever had. You use words, just words, ordinary words—no fuck, no damn not even a shit—just words. With these words you lay your soul bare. This is a gift, a horrible, horrible gift. Use it and keep using it. Let it pour out of you. You have no choice. Let it pour out of you, and give it to us, because we are there with you. We are with you. You are never alone. We are here for you. Never ending, we are here for you. Turn to us with your pain, and your wonderful, horrible words. Turn to us again and again and again. Post and post again. There is no limit for a soul such as yours. I will now pray for you, I will pray like I never have prayed before. Listen to Charlie, he doesn’t lie, listen when he says “things will get better”. Take his words and hold them dear. We love you and we are here for you.
David J.
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Jill
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #10 on: Nov 25th, 2002, 2:34am » |
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Your words cannot ease the physical pain that this beast inflicts upon me but they do help to ease the burden of my broken heart and my empty soul. I can feel you all around me, I can feel your kindness, your love and yet, yet I still feel so lonely, so empty.
I reach so hard for those to grasp onto, those to gain strength from, those that I can dance with instead of this beast. The beast knocks my hand down, he imposes his powers upon me, he sends his swords into my head, his claws into my eyes once again. And yet I reach still, I keep reaching until the pain is too much and I fall to the hot floor, fall into the heat to be burned, to be stabbed by the spikes, kicked by the beast. I reach when I can, for as long as I can, it feels as if I am trying to reach for the stars, trying to grab onto the moon, such an impossible dream, a hopeless goal, so many lives away.
I promise you, I swear to you that I keep telling this beast, yelling at him that I don’t want to belong to him, that there are others that I must dance with, that he cant have me but does he hear me? No, my cries, my screams, my pleading all falls on deaf ears, he cant hear me, he wont hear me, he doesn’t want to hear me. My tears fall upon the floor noticed by only me; he brings me closer as if to comfort me but begets more pain instead. He gets close again to whisper his promise, I am his and he is mine, forever.
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This beast, this monster in me laughs in my face when I try the meds, he laughs when I upped the verapamil to 360 mgs a day and 600 mg Lithium. He laughs harder when I try to change his beat, end our dance with Oxygen, nasal spray, amerge. . Imitrex makes him cringe, slows the beat of his song but the dance never ends, supplies are limited, so the dance continues. He tells me that I am his and he is mine, nothing to change that, nothing at all
I look for a moment, a minute, an hour when we are not dancing or that I am dancing with another, anyone. The beast always seems to be there though, lurking in my shadows, reminding me that he mine and I am his. He holds me so tight so often, the pain overwhelms me so much that when we are dancing to the slower beat, it haunts me. I wonder when the next one is coming, when the next time that his heavy beat is going to overwhelm me and bring me to the ground in pure agony, crying again for relief, begging again to just die, pleading again for forgiveness. I can feel him in my head now, behind my eye, under my eye, above my eye. I can feel the knifes, I can feel the stabbing, and wonder when it is going to be too much for me, wonder when we are going to really dance again.
It is hard to imagine an end to this, hard to see the light when in such a deep, dark place, the only light comming from the red glow of the beasts eyes, the glow that causes your eyes to close, the intensity to great on the heart and the soul.
How do I fight? How do I try? What can I do? Why? Again the questions haunt me, again they kill my spirit, again I feel in shambles, again….and again…
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"If you learn from your suffering and really come to understand the lesson you were taught you might be able to help someone else who is now in the phase. Maybe that is what its all about after all.."
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suzy617
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #11 on: Nov 25th, 2002, 5:17am » |
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Jill, You will never dance with the beast alone. Can't you see all of us on the floor with you? I know its hard to imagine but no matter how strong he is, he cannot dance all the time. He will tire of you and move on and you will be pf of him! Until then, look around the dance floor, we are here for you!
suzy
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Murazza
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #12 on: Nov 25th, 2002, 5:22am » |
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Jill,
you are not alone, I know it is probably no use while you are in his claws, but we are there also trying to get you out
hold on sis...
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echo
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #13 on: Nov 25th, 2002, 8:09am » |
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Wonderful posts Jill. Sorry that the dance is unrelenting. Trust that the beast will get bored and move on to other addresses. When the beast understands that his partner is unwilling to give in, he moves on. Unfortunately he may return to try to talk you to the dark side at a later date.
Glad to see you post again. I was wondering how you were doing.
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"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it".
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OneEyeBlind
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #14 on: Nov 25th, 2002, 8:14am » |
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Jill, do you see all the partners you have on the dance floor? Always remember, you are not alone. Others will dance with you and try to help you through this. My prayers for a respite to your pain go up daily. Don't give up, we are here.
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Jill
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #15 on: Nov 25th, 2002, 3:28pm » |
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I wish that I could see you all on the dance floor, I can not seem to keep my eyes open for the beast burns them with his cold stare, his breath is so horrid that I can barely breath. I can sense that you are there, but I dont understand why I cant grasp you, I keep reaching but nothing but emptiness surrounds me. I can feel the knives of others on the sidelines fly by me, I can hear the hatred in their thrusts, I can feel them hit me as they rip at my hear and tear up my soul.
I keep reaching but there is nothing there, it seems. You say that you are there, on this hot dance floor and are trying to dance with me, save me from this hideous beast but when can I dance with you? My heart is open, my mind is set and now I just wait, wait for it to end, for my chance to end this dance.
This beast, this cruel wretched beast just will not end, he plasters me with his words, squeezes into me, his thoughts become mine, his feelings flow into me until he and I become one, and so we dance. He has the strength of a thousand men, the will of an army, he just keeps going, never tiring, never slowing. My energy becomes his, my strength evolves into him, he uses it all to beat me, he uses what I have against me. He uses it to bring me to my knees in pain, to make me beg, cry and plead that it will end. What do I have when he takes it all from me?
All of this pain, this agony, this dance makes me wonder, makes me question my motives. Why am I here, to be dealt this pain? What did I do that I deserve this pain? Am I really welcome or is someone trying to tell me something and I can not hear them? What is the point, what do I have? So many questions, so many unanswered thoughts that overcome me as we dance. All I can hear is his whispering, his voice of hatred, his evil thoughts that flow into my head, causing the pain to rise until the beat of the music, the words that he says overwhelm me.
am sorry that this is happening, to everyone. I am sorry if I am selfish. I am sorry if I am bad, a pain, bothersome, whatever. Just know that I am sorry, maybe if I say it enough to myself, to you, to the beast, to everyone, the pain will stop. Maybe then I can free myself of this beast, maybe then he wont burn my ears with his whisper that I am his forever and he is mine...maybe then, we can all be pain free...
What do I do, how can I reach you, why does this happen? The meds I was on, I cant take anymore. What is else is there for me? So many questions, no understanding and by far, no answers.
I am reaching, trying to grasp you. I cant see you but I can sense your presence.....
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"If you learn from your suffering and really come to understand the lesson you were taught you might be able to help someone else who is now in the phase. Maybe that is what its all about after all.."
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OneEyeBlind
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #16 on: Nov 25th, 2002, 3:39pm » |
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Jill, email me your number. I'll call ya. If you don't want to do that call me 717-957-4328. I'm still dancing with ya kid. Keep up the beat !!!!
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One cannot step twice in the same river, for fresh waters are forever flowing around us.
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Cathi
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #17 on: Nov 25th, 2002, 3:47pm » |
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Jill- You've heard it before- no sorry is even required. Keep reaching, darlin'- there are plenty here to help you, and they are wanting the very best for you, so keep reaching, keep fighting and keep posting.
I know you've read all the info here- but there's new info every day, so keep reading- read & post as much as you can.
You never need to apologize, Jill- just , please keep reaching.
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Opus
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #18 on: Nov 25th, 2002, 3:49pm » |
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Jill,
You are never alone. There are angels watching over you in your time of pain. It is so hard to understand how something like this can happen to anyone. How can God let this continue. No one knows the answer.
You are not selfish, If you were you would have never posted such a poetic post. You are not bad, a pain or a bother. You will stay in my prayers until you are PF.
How long are your attacks. I have been able to give the beast a certain amount of time and count down the minutes until you get to zero and then believe he must leave.
I hope any of this helps and you are PF soon. PJB
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| « Last Edit: Nov 25th, 2002, 3:50pm by Opus » |
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Zed-Zed-nine plural-Zed alpha,
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SommelierCH
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #19 on: Nov 25th, 2002, 4:11pm » |
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Dear Jill,
I didn’t know if it was proper protocol until I saw the post from OneEyeBlind, to offer my phone number. I am on the west coast and work nights. I stay up late anyway, since I don’t get home before 2 am, and in this cycle, I’m almost always awake. So, if I can do anything to help, even just listening to you scream, please feel free to call me. At that time of night I have no one to talk to either (a major factor in the length of my posts). Click on my Instant Message icon, and send me a note if you would like my phone number. With the 3 hour time difference, I might be able to fill a void of time, in the support group that is springing up around you. Even as much help this web site is for coping, I know sometimes, I just can’t stand looking at the computer monitor, I just want darkness, and that would be a great time for a phone call. You would be helping me to cope as well.
All my best, and ask that Disc Jockey to play Donna Summer’s “Last Dance”,
David J.
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kim
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #20 on: Nov 25th, 2002, 4:56pm » |
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Jill,
Keep trying the 02!!!!Don't give up on it. Keep looking for what will work as a preventative for you.
Hope it gets better soon.
Thinking of you. Well wishes and PFDAN.
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Jill
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #21 on: Nov 25th, 2002, 11:31pm » |
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This hideous beast and I have just danced to a harsh song, for so long. His beat became mine, his swords dug again into my head, his sharp claws tried to rip out my eye and his whispering, his reminding me of his promise, burned my ears, tore at my heart and shattered all that I have. He brought me to my knees, he made me beg, plea cry all over again, made me wish that I could just disappear, just die, anything to end this pain he thrusts upon me. His grip has loosened now, the dance has slowed but he has left me in a sense of turmoil, he has destroyed me again both physically and emotionally.
From all of this pain, all of this hatred that he inflicts I forget about the good, can only feel the worst, the emptiness that surrounds me. This time now though, I have undeniably learned that support can come from the most unlikely places but can mean the world, even if it is only in writing. It seems in times of true desperation, moments when life really turns sour and the pain of the world is thrust upon you, that that is when you learn the most.
It comes to focus who you can really count on in times of need, who will be there not only for the good but also for the bad, the worst that life has to offer. It seems to reason that those that you thought that you could count on are the ones that in reality run away at the first sign of trouble. Some try to stay, try to understand, try to help but soon lose focus and slowly drift away, out of your life.
Many times it is friends that turn away, that cant stand to hang around but then sometimes it is family that do the same. Sometimes parents can’t stand to see their kids in pain, spouses hate to feel helpless and kids just don’t understand why you can’t help them with their homework or attend their school play.
In the last eight months, especially the last nine weeks, I have learned so much about those that I associate with, more than I believe that I ever wanted to know. Many friends ran off of the dance floor when the first beat picked up, when the first hard dance began. Few friends tried to stand the heat, avoid the knives and danced for a little while but then they became so rapped up in their lives, they forgot or didn’t care anymore about me, so they too left. So it seemed that all I had was family that I could lean on, grasp onto for support and caring, but they too could not bear the music and ran off. Now they stand on the sidelines and instead of cheering, they ridicule me, they tell me it is my fault, they belittle me, they don’t understand and they don’t care too. Everyone left and I was desperate, still am from the emotional pain of it. Why does everyone leave? Why don’t they care at least some? I mean no harm but what did I do to them, to everyone that they hate me so much?
But then, in my desperate state of mind just when I thought that it was over, I received help from the most unlikely place, a place I would have not expected. It wasn’t from the friends that ran away, it wasn’t from the family that hates me now, instead it was from complete and utter strangers who have now become my friends and my support. People that I do not know, probably will never know, never meet came to my aid with all that they have. I don’t really understand why, I don’t understand why people want to help me but it saved me, so to speak.
I never thought that I would find this support here, online of all the places in the world but I am thankful for that, I just wish that I had more to offer you besides a thanks, a thanks that means so much but seems like such a pointless word from me.
I thank you for being there, I thank you for reaching out your hand and though I have not grasped it yet, I am trying. I feel bad that I can not offer anything positive back out to them, to you all and I wish so badly that I could feel you there during these dances, see you in my mind, focus on you instead of this beast and his music.
Thank you for letting me share my words, my thoughts, my fears and my life with you. These words are so simple to some, so important to me and so crazy to others but regardless, thank you.
Undeniably, I have learned that support can come from the most unlikely places but can mean the world, even if it is only in writing.
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"If you learn from your suffering and really come to understand the lesson you were taught you might be able to help someone else who is now in the phase. Maybe that is what its all about after all.."
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Jarvis
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #22 on: Nov 26th, 2002, 12:01am » |
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Jill maybe you and I should go to counseling I know we can work this out sighned THE BEAST. 
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| « Last Edit: Nov 26th, 2002, 12:07am by Jarvis » |
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Lori
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #23 on: Nov 26th, 2002, 12:20am » |
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JILL..don't feel like you don't have anything positive to offer here. you surely do. even now, in pain, you offer a view into clusters that some could never put down on paper. also there will come a time that you will be pain free and will offer support to others who suffer. i wish there was something i could say to make you feel better about everything you must deal with right now. i'm here though to do what i can to help. IM me if you need to.
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Blessings and PFDAN,
Lori
Psalm 23:4 ~ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
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Lapsi_Harmaahapsi
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Re: The Dance Goes On....
« Reply #24 on: Nov 26th, 2002, 1:19am » |
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Darn. Now you guys have ruined Disney's "Beauty and the Beast" for me. 
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- Aleksi
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test rss