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Topic: Suicide (Read 2355 times) |
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dtruett
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Forgive my typing, but I'm on so much Percocet right now my eyes won't focus. 14 bad HAs in 15 nights. Worst cycle ever or close, following two years headache-free. I can't see going on like this. I know I am among those who understand. What keeps you going? I have functioned through pain and adversity that would lay many people low, but am wearying of the fight. I know our suicide rate is disproportionately high (DUH) for a reason. How to resist the impulse? It really seems like a logical way out. I have, of course, tried everything except the most exotic, such as hypothalmus stimulation etc. HELP!!!
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marty
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #1 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 2:12am » |
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First of all, since you obviously is not a "chronic", your cycle will end - keep that in mind. The pain itself is not your worst enemy, it is the sleep deprevasion (did I spell that right) and the totality of the mental impact that is the hardest to deal with.
According to your post, you get hit once per night..? Does that mean once within a 24-hour period?
Have you seen a Neuro that knows his CH? what about Imitrex inj.?
As to the suicide rate... I'm not to sure about that - a logical way out - No it is not.
Pain and mental exhaustion can be very hard to deal with - Read everything on this message board - there is so much here.
Marty
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norma
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i am with Marty on this suicide is not the answer. Yes we all feel like it sometimes but it is not the answer, my father committed suicide when I was 18 hell of a thing to live with.
Several times it has crossed my mind as well as all of the other sufferers as well, but yes the pain will go away.
Find a GOOD dr and it will make all the difference. I am episodic, this week in cycle but given O2, inderal, and feriocet and it is much better and I am coping, for once.
Nobody said life was fair, and i agree these has are little bastards, no big but the pain will go away, plus I have talked with several chronic sufferers, now they got reason to bitch or check out but they dont so hang in there and remember, you are not alone and this is what the board is here for!!!!!!!
Hoping pain free for you soon.
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Lapsi_Harmaahapsi
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #3 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 3:16am » |
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This is hard to see when in cycle, but my 9 pain-free months a year are kind of nice and very much worth living.
I don't know if this has been discussed before, but could be that antidepressants would take the "edge" off the depression that follows with a cycle?
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- Aleksi
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OneEyeBlind
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #4 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 3:49am » |
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Dtruett, what kind of meds are you taking for your headaches? Perhaps we can help you find some relief for those headaches with a better med .... making you feel a little less helpless. With the right meds you can abort a headache within 5 minutes ......... and 5 minutes a day of hell is not worth ending it all for ........... look at all those pain free hours left !!!!
Tell us about yourself .. what doctors you have seen, what meds you have tried ... perhaps we can suggest something that will work better for you.
In the meantime ... hang in there ......better days are ahead !!!!!
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OneEyeBlind
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #5 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 8:07am » |
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Hey, I see you are signed on ... hope ya got a little sleep and are feeling better this morning.
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One cannot step twice in the same river, for fresh waters are forever flowing around us.
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dtruett
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #6 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 8:14am » |
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I jjust signed on, wrote a 20 minute post and reviewing it, hit the wheel on my mouse, which dumped it. Have to shower for work, will try to get back on before I leave and recall my thoughts. I am really needy right now. Please check this thread later tonight if I can't post in time. No-didn't sleep last night. Bless you for your caring.
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OneEyeBlind
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #7 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 8:17am » |
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Call me if you need an active ear today. 717-957-4328. Take care and hang in !!!!!!!!!!!!
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NotH20
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #8 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 8:37am » |
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Sorry you are getting hit so hard right now DTruett....we all know that feeling all too well 
You must focus on the pain free time and the "good" times as opposed to dwelling on the pain and the "bad" days. Believe me when I say it's very difficult to think that way.....but you have friends/family here to help along the way......
We are all waiting on some info on your current meds - hopefully we can give you a suggestion that will give you some pain free time.....
Keep us informed.....
NotH20
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dtruett
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #9 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 8:57am » |
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I will try to reconstruct my post. I consider my self chronic and am officially diagnosed as such. The two year hiatus was my only break in over 17 years. I have faith in my neuro. I also see a neuro who is out of my insurance network from time-to-time who looks over my treatments and suggests. Latest were Lidocain drops-doesn't work and no throat-and Indocin, which was like candy. I am refractive to oxygen. Sansert helped a little in the past, but just a little. See my post about the unavailability of Sansert from Novartin. Imitrex nasal-forget it! Just tried the injections and they seemed to help. Will try for more, but I know my insurance puts a strict cap on the number per month. Percocet used to work great, but last night it left a stabbing pain, less than the full beast, but one that evolved into another cluster in 45 minutes. Two more Percocet and no pain, but overdose with no vision-tracking, itching all night. The desparation comes, perhaps, with the fact that I do have good doctors, do research myself, and despite it all am being washed over with a sunami (?) of pain. Yes, the ONLY thing that keeps me going is the hope that there may be relief somewhere on the other side, but not knowing with what and when is so hard to deal with. On Nov. 11 my neuro is doing the Botox thing. My research shows me it is "iffy," but any port in a storm. I am not a wimp at this. I have prided myself in the ability to go to work and have my headaches at night and still function. By the way, I do have some multiples, as per last night and recently as things have escalated. I do know that there are others who are worse off than me, but I am still in a very, very bad place right now. One reason I posted was that I need to know how people in a REALLY bad state can go on. I have done the antidepressant thing. In fact, short antecdote to illustrate how absurd things can get. My last doctor was a true quack. He prescribed Prozac (SSRI) and Nardil (MAOI) concurrently 7 years ago. EVERYONE, nurses, aides, etc. knows that these are contraindicated. My wife rushed me to the hospital in the middle of the night when I had become incoherent. I had Serotonin Syndrom, and lapsed into an 8 day coma. Odds were against surviving, but I did. Not sure I wanted to, as I had 2 years of neurotransmitter-induced clinical depression, PTSD, anxiety attacks, and my wife left me. Yes, I know. "If you can make it through that, you can make it through this." It just doesn't seem like it. No light at the end of a long tunnel. I can't express what it means to me to be able to hear from others who suffer from ch. Having someone say that they will check the board to hear from me is so loving in a way that the so-called impersonality of bits and bytes is overridden. God bless you, although I am an atheist (don't hold it against me) and don't believe that my suffering or yours can be part of any divine plan. I will check my posts when I get home at 5 PST. Anything would help me through this night. I know the beast will greet me again.
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F1World
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #10 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 9:02am » |
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Dtruett.... dude, sleep deprivation sucks, seriously. You end up with a ton of negativity on your plate which seems just too much to bear. With the exception of one night, I have not slept for more than 2-3 hours a night for the last 20 days now, so I know things seem bleak... but pause for the cause a moment, and take a look around you before you continue with current train of thought..... are you married, have a girlfriend, have kids???? You cannot give up on those that love and need you, and you just cannot give up on yourself..... There are guys and gals that are classified as chronic here, and they have been dealing with this crap on a daily basis for years... they are not quitters, they deal with this because there is NO OTHER OPTION... understand? I know what it is like to suffer, but not to their degree, and in no way am I saying that what you or I are going through is any less painful then they, but this will pass my man..... with a little hope, maybe sooner than later. There is no "easy way out" dude.... you MIGHT think it is for YOU, but what about the others in your life that think they themselves have failed you if you were to do so? What kind of pain and misery will you unleash on them??? Think about it.... don't be selfish.... life is a precious gift, don't squander the opportunities that your future holds for you!
You have come to the right place for help.... the people here are outstanding, they know where you are coming from, and I will assure you, they can help! They are extremely knowledgeable, and they won't give up on you....now, just don't give up on yourself. Layaway those weak thoughts and fight! Fight for today, tommorrow, and however long this may last..... don't lose out to this bastard demon, why let him win?
Take care of yourself Dtruett, as with all things mate.... this too shall pass!
F1World.
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Margi
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #11 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 9:10am » |
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Awesome post, F1World. You speak for us all.
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Bob P
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #12 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 9:25am » |
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Dude (that's my Califonia thingy comming out),
Narcotic pain killers have no place in the treatment of clsuter headaches, per the experts.
Lidocaine didn't work for me either.
Indocine is usually for CPH not CH.
Get your doc to write a letter of medical necessity to the Insurance. If you're as desperate as you sound, they will give you what you need.
Time to suck it up, do what you have to do, and take control of this thing.
Let me know if I can help in any way.
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Marc
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #13 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 10:03am » |
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Couple of comments:
- Margi's right, F1's post was right on the money.
- I strongly agree with Bob P, in fact narcotics made things worse for me. No, not the pain, but the mental attitude. You just plain don't think straight with narcotic pain killers in your system. In my case, that made me more dangerous to myself.
I'd like to see what help we can offer via suggestions for treatment. Many people who have said that "nothing" helped have found that they were doing it wrong or they needed a different combination.
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Virginia
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #14 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 10:07am » |
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dtruett-
I've had 3-8 h/a's EVERY SINGLE day since the 2nd week of February, 2001!  In those 20 months I've maybe had 5 (yes I said 5) nights where I've slept through the night. I've been depressed, and I've thought of suicide often.
The main reason that I WILL NOT kill myself is because of my love of God. I refuse to have the last act of my life be a mortal sin.
Sorry, you asked how we get through...and that's how I get through.
Ok, I'm not trying to shove God down anyone's throat (I would never do that). This is just my beliefs and what gets me through the days!
Virginia
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The Clusterhead formerly known as 9erfan.
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Slydog
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #15 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 10:44am » |
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Dtruett, Can't say much more than what has already been said.......But you are in my thoughts and it is my hope that even the kind words and thoughts from the people on this board will give you a small thread of a reason to hang onto life. Slydog
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Weldon
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Hey little Bubba, I guess you've tried the sleeping in the recliner , the extra pillows and such , but I jacked the head of my bed up 8 in. and it stoped the night one's . Just make sure you sleep on the opposite side of the h.a.. Also several of us take the pain med's with Dr. Pepper or something else like it. I've been there myself so hang in there , its bound to get better.
Weldon
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Karla
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #17 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 11:11am » |
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I get 8 ha every day for last 5 years. I am sick of the pain and constant shadowing. I had to quit working and go on disability because I couldn't work through my ha's or through my depression. I have felt like committing suicide many times. I have been on antidepressents for the 5 years also. I have had to up dosages and change meds to help stop the desire to kill myself. I understand you had a bad experience with antidepresents but with a good dr you can get through this. Also my belief in God has gotten me through plenty of times. Not because I am scared to go to hell for killing myself but because I do not want to be self righteous and say, "why me". Who am I to question the creator of the universe. He made me and he will take care of me just as he does the birds in the field. Maybe it is time to acknowlege a power greater than yourself and believe that you need someone or something besides your own willpower to get through this. It doesn't mean you are weak. There may be something to believeing and if it can help get you through. What have you to loose? As you can see from my post and the prior post a belief in God has been the answer to sanity.
I also hold out hope for a cure. Drs. are making discoveries a couple times a year for ch. Maybe one will help me. There is always hope you just have to look for it. Keep the chin up and hang in there.
Love, Karla
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Karla
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Virginia
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #18 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 11:52am » |
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Karla, you said it so much better than I could. 
dtruett, God can give you SO MUCH peace when you are fighting with the Beast!
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The Clusterhead formerly known as 9erfan.
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Azrael
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #19 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 1:58pm » |
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dtruett... How do I make it through? First and foremost... I'm a stubborn SoB, and I refuse to let the beast win. This shit is hard... The sleepless nights... The unbelieveable pain... The total inability of most ppl to care, or even give a damn. But when I'm in cycle, the beast pisses me off to the point that I'd rather keep fighting, just for the chance to kick it ass for good one day.
Secondly... My family and friends. I'd much rather endure this pain rather than force the pain of my passing on my family and friends. Death may seem like an easy out, but when you consider the reactions, death causes a great deal more harm than good.
Finally... This place, these people, have shown me that others suffer from this Hell, many suffering much worse than I can imagine, yet they continue to fight. If they can continue to fight with everything they've had to deal with, I know that I can. When I read about ppl who not only deal with this pain, but deal with it worse than I, or have other medical conditions that alone should make them consider giving up, and they continue on with their life as well as anyone can, I find the inspiration to rise above my self-pity, and fight that much harder.
Good luck!
PFDAN........................... Drk^Angel
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StanTheMan
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #20 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 2:30pm » |
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I applaud much that has been said already. 
Dtruett, you're with a family here that truly cares. Please hang in there -- don't give up!!
Suicide is NOT a way out, no matter what your sleep-deprived mind may be telling you.
(My immediate family survived a suicide about 22 years ago -- we went through about 5 years of pure hell because of it. We're doing better now, but the pain is still there after all these years.)
Yes, we all suffer extreme pain, to varying degrees, some more often than others.
Bottom line: this disorder we call CH's is rotten! It stinks! It can put tremendous strain on our loved ones, our marriages, our jobs, etc. But in spite of that, it doesn't have to run or ruin our lives. I, for one, refuse to let that happen. And it's only by God's mercy and grace that I've been able to do that.
Yes Dtruett, I'm sure brighter days are ahead. And tho' you may find it hard to believe right now, God does care!
Prayers for strength and pain free days,
Stan
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"All the days of the afflicted are bad, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast." - - - - - Proverbs 15:15
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Jimi
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #21 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 3:00pm » |
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One thing that you might try to help you during the night. When I was in cycle, I was being awaken every 2 hrs with one. Fortunetely 02 would knock it down. But the lack of sleep affected everything whether I was having a cluster or not. Ueli gave me some Amerge tablets and told me to take one before I went to sleep. It is a triptan like Imitrix only last longer. Linda slow for when you feel one coming on, but anyway I tried one as a preventative. I woke up with a cluster, BUT it wasn't 2 hours after I had went to sleep like normal. It was 6 in the morning. It kept the night ones away. Might be worth a try.
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Charlie
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #22 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 3:56pm » |
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Welcome, and that you came here says a lot. We never shut up so you have your reading cut out for you.
We've all thought of killing ourselves but that's as far as it goes. For one thing, the suicide rate for us is no higher than average. It's true. Besides, suicide is only hard on those left behind.
Bob and the others are right. Narcotics are pretty useless for this horror. It's a waste of time and money.
You will find something here that will be far more effective. Read all you can.
Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.
Charlie
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2late
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #23 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 4:23pm » |
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dtruett, suicide? although we all have thought about it, that's as far as it goes, everyone on this mb is stronger than the beast on his best day & our worst! i'm with Drk, family & friends get me thru my darkest hour, oh yeah & my harley ;D hang in there, you will be PF again! ..........2late
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Jackie
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Re: Suicide
« Reply #24 on: Nov 1st, 2002, 4:53pm » |
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dtruett,
Jimi's tip about the Amerge at bedtime is a good one. My husband, Blake, does the same thing with the triptan, Zomig. He's chronic and when things get really bad that's what he does. The CH doesn't disappear but at least he gets a few hours sleep that way.
Jacks 
Jimi???.....who's Jimi ??? Do we know a Jimi..... ;D
Oh, it's that Jimi.........Hi Sweetie... 
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