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Topic: National Lampoon Headlines (Read 297 times) |
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Ted
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National Lampoon Headlines
« on: Sep 23rd, 2002, 11:58pm » |
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Fed likely to leave rates unchanged; "I've paid off my mortgage," explains Greenspan
Viagra may treat lung disease; definitely NOT recommended against Hardening of the Arteries
Pentagon gives Bush Iraq plans; Press expected to give Hussein copy shortly
Astronomers discover flicker of light from 14 billion years ago; indicates that either most modern theories about the cosmos are correct, or that God has a huge electric bill
PTA tries to involve Hispanic parents; forms "dishwashing committee"
Johnny Carson battling emphysema; "wha-hack-hacky stuff," coughs beloved comedian
Bucktoothed dinosaur found in China; scientists suspect that prehistoric creature had yellow skin, an inscrutable disposition, and couldn't drive for shit
Jupiter-like planet discovered; "that's just a code-word for fat" sneers Mercury
World's fastest man, Bob Hayes, dies at 59; obvious lesson about the fleeting nature of life promptly ignored by all
Sesame Street unveils first HIV+ muppet; puppeteer afraid to insert hand into it
European scientists mass produce antimatter; 90% of insane supervillains still prefer to make it by hand
Children who show little fear of anything are 3 times more likely to succeed in sports; "of course, children who do well in sports usually have less to fear," notes timid 4th grader before getting wedgied by angry jocks
Rumsfeld says that "US will not go to war with Iraqi people"; apparently slightly unclear as to who makes up their army
Hurricane Isidore blasts Yucatan; forces thousands to evacuate, washes millions more
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