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Topic: My husband says it must be my fault! (Read 1383 times) |
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kaptex
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My husband says it must be my fault!
« on: Sep 19th, 2002, 3:58pm » |
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Even though I have shown him all the info I can and taken him with me to the Docs office he still says it must be because I am about 30 pounds overweight. I went from 390lbs (I am 5' 11" to 195lbs in the last 8 years. If my weight were the problem you would think my headaches would have gotten better as I lost weight but instead they have gotten worse. This last cycle has run for 4 years and still counting (chronic sufferer). He says he's tired of me taking all these drugs and costing him all this money even though we have insurance through his work. He says if I wanted to I could make the headaches go away but that I don't because I like the attention. 
I know how hard it is to convince other people that there is a real problem but I was just wondering if there is anyone else out there who has had this type of problem with their spouse?
He has never acted like this about anything in our 17-year marriage except about my weight. Which he was right about. He admitted it wasn't all my fault that I got that way (2 bedridden pregnancies added 150lbs to my 160lbs, I added the rest ) but it was my fault that it took me so long to lose it.  Depression about these headaches and being overweight can be a vicious circle.
If someone might give me some advice on how to get through to him, it would be greatly appreciated
Thanks,
Kimberly
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Melissa
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #1 on: Sep 19th, 2002, 4:56pm » |
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Wow, I'm not sure what to tell you Kimberly. Sounds like your hubby is being a little close-minded  Honey, if weight were the cause of clusters, I'd be having them all the time! I am episodic though...so obviously that can't be it. Plus, there are thin men and women with clusters also. Just show him Bob P's picture page here--> http://www.pahlow.net/ch/clusterheads.htm
BTW, it is ALWAYS easier to gain weight, than to lose it. Don't be so hard on yourself, and don't take what your husband says too seriously. That (as you've experienced) can lead to a vicious cycle of depression. Attitude is Everything! You have to be comfortable and happy with yourself, or you'll always feel this way.
You can email me too if you ever want to talk!!
Take care and good luck!
 Mel
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steColor
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #2 on: Sep 19th, 2002, 5:19pm » |
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Hi Kaptex,
I would be a good example for the weight issue.
I am 6'2" weigh-in at approx. 185 soaking wet and with a pocket full of change. Obviously weight has NOTHING to do with it! Nor is just "making them go away" the answer. I WISH. The LAST thing I want during an attack is attention.
But Congrats on your wieght loss tho
I know it is difficult to explain to someone the pain experienced with this stuff. Keep showing him the site.
Good Luck
STEC
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kristi
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #3 on: Sep 19th, 2002, 5:36pm » |
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Don't mean to offend, but have you ever thought of telling him to fuck off?!
I mean, life is hard enough, with or without clusters, without having the people who are supposed to love us and support us being the ones who are down on us the most.
By the way, I am a supporter, not a clusterhead. And I would never consider getting down on my husband about his headaches, or ANYTHING else for that matter, in such an abusive manner. That is NOT what love is. You know the expression..."with friends like that, who needs enemies...."
Also, hubby is another example......episodic sufferer, 6'2", 185 pounds.
If you need support, I am always here to help in anyway I can. Good luck!
K
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jonny
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #4 on: Sep 19th, 2002, 5:56pm » |
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Oooooooh, Kristi!!!
I was going to post that but backed off (did I say that?)
Although I would have said it ten words with alot more swears......LOL
You go, Chick
.......................jonny
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2late
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #5 on: Sep 19th, 2002, 6:07pm » |
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you're husband's actin' like a creep! tell him to get hs shit together & support you, marrige is for better or for worse. my wife doesn't know what i feel but she listens to me, and that's the best support she can give. i feel for ya' good luck! .........2late
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Virginia
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #6 on: Sep 19th, 2002, 7:19pm » |
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Kimberly,
Can you tell your husband to kiss my big white ass please??? I'm sorry, I'm sure you love him and everything but the things that he is telling you are completely asinine!!
NOBODY would ever want to keep these headaches just to get attention! That is unbelievable!
You need your loved ones to support you NOT bring you down!
As far as the weight goes, I was skinny when these things first started 17 years ago. Now, I'm very large! After being on prednisone for a year & 1/2 (gained 60 pounds that time) then becoming chronic has basically done me in. Everytime I try to start any type of exercise program and I'm doing well, I get hit really bad and can no longer function and wind up being sedentary for weeks at a time!
Back to your husband, I don't know what to tell you about him. Maybe he should see a therapist or something if he can't give his wife the support she needs. Do you have any other family members or friends who you can go to for support? Of course, you always have this board to come to and everyone here is extremely supportive. I mean I'm sure you know how these headaches can affect you mentally as well as physically....you need people in your life who can bring you UP! ;D
I would love to talk to you offline about your weight loss and how you were able to do it. I really admire the fact that you were able to lose that much weight! That is truly awesome! Especially while you were dealing with the beast! I would be interested to know how you did it. Please email me offline. You can email me when you need a friend to talk to anytime...
I hope I don't live close to you because I might have to come over & kick your husband's ass!! 
Virginia
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| « Last Edit: Sep 19th, 2002, 7:21pm by Virginia » |
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The Clusterhead formerly known as 9erfan.
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kristi
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #7 on: Sep 19th, 2002, 7:34pm » |
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Jonny, LMAO - I think that's the first time I've ever seen you back off anything!! Glad I was there to fill in though ;D . Someone has to do it, might as well be me! (p.s. it was great to meet you in person in Vancouver  )
Kimberly, Virginia said it best..."you need people in your life to bring you up..." When our supposed "loved ones" are the ones who are bringing us down, I have to wonder where the love is. You deserve better!
PFDAN! K
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jonny
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #8 on: Sep 19th, 2002, 7:47pm » |
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That was the first time in three years I backed off of anything, Kristi
Just thought my harshness might make Kim feel worse than good (Christ!!!im almost human, yipppeee!!)
But I will go over with Virginia and kick some ass!!!!
....................jonny
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kristi
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #9 on: Sep 19th, 2002, 7:52pm » |
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on Sep 19th, 2002, 7:47pm, jonny wrote:| That was the first time in three years I backed off of anything |
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Just don't make a habit of it okay, those of us around here who aren't used to it might have a heart attack or something! ;D ;D ;D ;D
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| « Last Edit: Sep 19th, 2002, 7:54pm by kristi » |
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M.R.
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #10 on: Sep 19th, 2002, 7:55pm » |
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I'll be the bastard if no else will. Shoot him in the kneecap, toss him in front of a semi, and call it good. As I have no one to support me thru my cycles, the first one that wants to give me a rash of sh*t during one gets slaped. My opinion only.
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2late
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #11 on: Sep 19th, 2002, 8:08pm » |
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see jonny, we'll pick up the slack bro' ;D .........2late
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Ree
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #12 on: Sep 19th, 2002, 8:11pm » |
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I got the funniest joke today it said " What do you do if you see your husband rolling around on the floor in pain ... the answer was... Shoot him again" and then the next joke was How do you know a man is "well hung" the answer was ... When you cant fit your finger between the noose and his neck...
I think I should send you those jokes... just to lighten your emotional load a little... I have in the past been abused emotionally as well as physically... You are as great as you want to be. He tries to bring you down because the wonderful "LIGHT" inside you must threaten HIM in some way... He is trying to keep you DOWN probably so you will think no one else will want you... Don't be afraid... Someone else will always be there for you as long as you believe that you are good, and KNOW IT.... love to you Im thinking about you Ree
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M.R.
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #13 on: Sep 19th, 2002, 8:19pm » |
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Sorry if I seemed a little harsh, but I have no time in my life for shallow people like that. The weight issue is betwen you and him, but I have a hard time dealing with people that want to blame clusters on what ever they want. Still my opinion only.
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Jabeen
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #14 on: Sep 19th, 2002, 8:38pm » |
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This is some more of the same-but I find it hard to believe that your husband can be so stupid. There are certainly a variety of sizes and shapes on this board to prove the weight theory doesn't fly...if only it was that simple. 
I am thankful my husband is always supportive-but can not relate to the amount of pain...it is hard to explain to someone that hasn't experienced it. I know you said you have given him a lot to read, but theres a lot in this site and OUCH-maybe it's not too late-
Jabeen
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don
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #15 on: Sep 19th, 2002, 10:03pm » |
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Quote:| Sounds like your hubby is being a little close-minded |
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Closeminded? Nah!
If it walks like a duck and quack likes a duck, it must be a DICKHEAD
Sorry kaptex but I couldn't hold that one back.
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Charlie
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #16 on: Sep 19th, 2002, 11:12pm » |
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We tend to cut through the crap here Kimberly....Still he's behaving like a jerk. When one can't come up with an answer, it's easy to blame the victim.
Happens all the time, but tell him to get his fecal residue together.
Charlie
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kaptex
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #17 on: Sep 20th, 2002, 12:44am » |
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I believe I have found a part of the problem: although if it is the entire problem I don't know for sure yet. Hubby has been talking to someone at work who has a family member who "supposedly" fooled doctors into thinking they had cluster headaches just to get some of the prescription drugs and for the attention he got from his friends & everyone in his family. But he is an avid drug user, prescription and otherwise.
At this point I don’t know if I believe this story or not.
I again pulled up information from this site and had him read it, although he didn't want to at first. I asked him if he thought that during the times he has seen me during one of my attacks, if he REALLY thought that I could fake something that horrendous. I had him read the opening page of this site and asked if he thought all the people on this site would waste their time faking something like this. I told him maybe a few would, but this many? Then I showed him the OUCH site and the different chapters it has around the world. I finally told him that if he truly believed that I would stoop so low as to fake something just for attention then after 17 years of being married, he didn’t know me very well and we needed to think about where this marriage was going in the future. Scared the heck out of me but I refuse to live like that.
I read all of the responses I got to my post and cried because of all the support and understanding I got from total strangers that I should have gotten from him. He just never said much about how he felt and he pretty much didn’t lift a finger to help as far as routine tasks go. I still had to pick the kids up from school, run errands, get someone else to take me to the ER, and so on. (One time in the middle of a bad visit, kip 9 – lasting for more than 3 hours, I had to drive to the movies to pick up my son and his girlfriend, I could barely see and almost didn’t make it there. My son had to drive from there to her house, and then home. We were teaching him to drive at the time and I could barely think to instruct him on what to do. But it was better than me driving).
I had to listen to hubby tell me that he wouldn’t help me until I helped myself and lost my weight. (I did) I was in a car accident before I met him and injured my neck. He thinks that the weight put a strain on my neck muscles and caused my clusters. I tried to tell him that I had clusters before the accident and before I gained the weight but it didn’t do any good. I only have 30lbs more to lose so that shouldn't be an issue anyway. I think I might have made some progress tonight though. He actually apologized for not taking this thing seriously. He made the mistake that most people make in that they relate it to a regular headache, thinking I should be able to get by on a couple of Advil.
You all are wonderful! Can I live here!!
I'll keep you all posted. (no pun intended)
I love ALL of the advice!! (The good, bad, and the ugly)
Thanks......Kimberly (Sorry I was so long winded)
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Drk^Angel
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #18 on: Sep 20th, 2002, 12:56am » |
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Good to hear that you may be making some progress with your husband. It's got to be horrible when the person who's supposed to love you just refuses to try to understand. It seems to me as though he's upset about the whole weight thing, and is trying to use your clusters to force you to lose the weight. I also think he may be upset that he's not getting the attention, and that's the true reason why he claimed you fake the pain for attention. I really hope that he is coming around to try to understand, because with these things, the last thing you need is a spouse not only not willing to support you with them, but also trying to blame it all on you. Good luck!
PFDAN................................. Drk^Angel
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LTBullitt
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #19 on: Sep 20th, 2002, 7:28am » |
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no, thats no good at all
thats just, no!
Kristi said it all
id go with her idea
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Charlie
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #20 on: Sep 20th, 2002, 7:38am » |
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Tell your husband that cluster headaches have zero relationship to migraines, tension, or other headaches. The term "cluster "headaches" is a terrible misnomer. Try to think of them as a vascular syndrome which produces incredible and disabling pain.
There isn't a lot of evidence that head trauma causes them and being overweight almost certainly has nothing to do with them either. They are uncommon but so bad that sufferers are at a loss to make others know the level of agony produced by this horror.
Remember: They are not headaches other than being in the head. Also, the posters here are on the level. If they found us, they either have this thing or are a supporter. No one can fake this with us for any length of time.
Take care and keep up the good fight.
Charlie
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Ree
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #21 on: Sep 20th, 2002, 8:10am » |
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Welcome... YOU can live here if ya want... Kimberley and keep coming we will always be here for you... I know I will be here until they find a cure or the bomb drops...
Have a wonderful day... you sound like a great ... strong...mom and wife... He is lucky to have you...
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Melissa
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #22 on: Sep 20th, 2002, 8:32am » |
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on Sep 19th, 2002, 10:03pm, don wrote:
Closeminded? Nah!
If it walks like a duck and quack likes a duck, it must be a DICKHEAD
Sorry kaptex but I couldn't hold that one back. |
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Don! Are you picking on my choice of words? Does the fact that I seem too nice, BOTHER you? If I wasn't so charming, do you think I'd be incarcerated? Don... does it frighten you to think of what it would be like, if you were ever to get me pissed? 
Have a nice day, and I know where you live ;D
love,
Mel
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stevek
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #23 on: Sep 20th, 2002, 10:13am » |
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Kimberly
I have a wife who does believe CHs are real but she also believes that if I really wanted to stop them I could. When a cycle gets bad, this is real hard to take. Like I would really rather go through a CH than cook a dinner or drive a kid to soccer. Let me see, watch my daughter play soccer, or scream in pain for an hour, I think I’ll take the pain, yea right.
As mad as I get at the lack of understanding, I also see how hard it is to comprehend how I can go from severe pain to no pain in such a short period of time. CHs are very bizarre.
That said I still agree with Kristi, tell him to Fuck Off! One of the only times I told my wife this was when I was getting hit for the third time in a day, and she informed that I had done nothing all day but have headaches. My tolerance for that BS went to zero that day.
I wish you luck Kimberly and I hope your husband will understand.
Take care, SteveK
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NancyMcFree
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Re: My husband says it must be my fault!
« Reply #24 on: Sep 20th, 2002, 10:45am » |
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A good support system is essential to getting through a cycle. I thank God that my husband supports me and understands how painful these attacks can be. I do have family members that just don't get it which really hurts. They think it is all in your head (I say, yea, it is .. but only HALF my head). My husband has told me, "anyone who has never seen me in the middle of the night dancing with death just woulnd't have a clue". Perhaps the next time you get hit, rather than pounding your head against a wall, you should pound it against his scull. While your pain might diminish ...... he might get the message !!!!!!!!!!
Your weight has nothing to do with this disease. Look at the pictures from the conference ....... all shapes and
sizes !!!!!! And having headaches to gain attention ??? Like I said ...... slam your head up against his the next time you get hit ..... then tell him, "oh honey ..... does that get your attention?????"
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