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LTBulllitt
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It’s such a cowardly act to commit suicide. Is it still considered so in my lands? The only dishonor I see in myself is the fact that I do still live, that I haven’t the courage to end this all, and now.
To stubbornly hold on to life, a life that has become only physical pain and agony every day. To hold to this life that has lost everything I’ve ever tried to accomplish. All that has been destroyed with CH over twelve years.
Perhaps I am just a perverted masochist who enjoys spending eternity in hell. I am sure now I cannot be anywhere else but hell itself.
And to have failed twice! Now I must add that embarrassing scene to my life. True failure to make matters worse, it was no cry for attention. I still cannot figure out how my body had any blood left in it that I recovered. Somehow not dying has made me lose my resolve to do so. My mind cannot put itself to the task and I’m so confused b/c I cannot decide what evil little part of me would consider holding on to this existence for one more day.
I just want everyone to know I have no honour, no bravery, nor courage.
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jonny
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Your not alone, LT!!!
Stick around, lots of good folks here. Im bust'in out for Vancouver but will plug in when I get there to see if your still here.
................................jonny
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2late
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Ride Free..Pain Free
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Re: no subject
« Reply #2 on: Sep 13th, 2002, 5:26am » |
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LT, no relief in 12 year's? what's your story? what med's have you tried?. you can't give up, don't let the bastard win!!! there's people out there who wish they had your prob's. ..............2late
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Jim R
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Re: no subject
« Reply #3 on: Sep 13th, 2002, 5:31am » |
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You need help fast, friend. Find a doctor or a neuro who can work with you. There are preventative and abortive medications that DO work! Why think of ending a life that could be pain free? Tell us more about your history with clusters....we want to help. - Jim R
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"Hammer of the Gods..." (pounding on my head...) and isn't Bowie great?!
Proud member of OUCH
Episodic Clusterhead since 1978
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Jabeen
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What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
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:)Re: no subject
« Reply #4 on: Sep 13th, 2002, 1:33pm » |
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I don't think your subject should say "no subject". This is a serious subject that shouldn't be ignored. You do need to find a dr. that will help you find SOMETHING that will help you. If you read a lot here you will see a variety of things work for some people...for me it was Wellbutrin (SSRI).
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echo
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Chronic and still alive --- I Win!
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Re: no subject
« Reply #5 on: Sep 13th, 2002, 3:41pm » |
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You'll find a wealth of information available here on what works, what doesn't, what might. Educate yourself here, find a neuro and have a good face to face discussion reguarding treatment. You can get help.
Welcome to the group.
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"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it".
Proud Dad of a US Marine, and a former Marine turned Police Officer.
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domm
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Re: no subject
« Reply #6 on: Sep 13th, 2002, 3:58pm » |
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LT - read some of these posts. We are all going through the same living hell, but I find encouragement and strength in seeing other people win the battle. Read Ziara's post about the bump on her forehead from slamming her head around. Read JimR's post about his struggle to find meds that will help him while putting up with a six hour Kip 10. Both of these were written today, within an hour of your post. But these people have hope and courage.
Find your strength in knowing that if these folks can do it, so can you.
These is no honour in suicide, only pain for those you leave behind. Find help - quickly
domm
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NancyMcFree
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My brother-in-law committed suicide 17 years ago. When he did that it left my husband so devistated that he himself did not want to go on. His family has mourned for years the fact that they never saw the signs and got him some help.
We raised my brother-in-laws daughter for him. To this day, while she loves us like a mom and dad she still wonders why her mother never wanted her (she is a drug addict) and why her father left her.
To this day, we think of him and still cry.
While you may think that no one cares ... I can guarantee you that people do. I have never met you and am crying at your post. Each of us has something to offer in this life. Don't cut yours short and not meet the challenges that God had planned for you.
Turn to your family, turn to your friends, turn to a councelor ... but turn to someone. Your life does make a difference in this world.
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domm
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Re: no subject
« Reply #8 on: Sep 14th, 2002, 12:58pm » |
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Well said Nancy.
LT - let us know how things are going. We want to hear from you.
domm
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LTBulllitt
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It'shard to post, sorry I ran away so quick.
The aftershocks of the headaches are so painful, migraine like that its impossible to look at a monitor most of the time.
I have had a share of doctors who couldn't even spell cluster headaches let alone ever help in anyway.
A few prev. meds were used but nothing had any success. Prednisone used to break the cycles but for some reason they quit having any effect as well.
Imatrex injections worked everytime for me, 100% but I cannot afford this drug and I have no drug plan to cover it, so thats out as well.
I know I've seen this qusetion in a few posts I read but I have to say it again, "how in hell can they be THAT painful????????"
Been out of it so long, no sleep in months.
My body looks like hell, I'm putting on so much weight.
I can't believe these things bother me when I have such
brutal attacks.
I find this a strange fact about myself. That I won't kill myself b/c I suddenly start to become very religious at these times. Only in a negative way of course.
Always ths idea that if I kill myself I will suffer in an afterlife(Biblical hell) of CHs for eternities.
GD strange since I have no beliefs, esp Xtain. The pain brings one such strange ideas to me. This one dominating.
I lost my best friend Peter 4 years ago to suicide so I understand the feelings. I was never sad about his death, I just miss the little not a very nice person and the times we had. 
I feel likee he made it and I didn't at times.
I really don't want to forget to say this so I better do so now. THANK YOU to eveyone who responded! I find I still have a little emotion in me during these times so I really felt it.
The only conclusion I can come up with is that I was a very nasty person in my last life and I'm doing the time now. Perhaps I was in league with Ilsa Koch, dishing out the torture for my own gratification and am in purgatory now?
who knows
I just wish it was an enemy I could see, deal with. Hard to go full armed in battle with yourself.
And everything just has to go wrong now. blah
Can I ask a few Q's?
Does anyone else become superstitious during these times?
Suicide attempts?
Want to see the enemy?
Has anyone here been anorexic and think it may possibly be what started the CH in the first place? I ask this b/c mine came when I was 18 and very anorexic when the pain and cycles started.
Love,
Andrew
PS Anyone notice I even spelled "Bullitt" wrong in my user name? ahhhhhhhhhh!
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Charlie
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Re: no subject
« Reply #10 on: Sep 15th, 2002, 6:23am » |
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A couple things:
No need to feel bad about failing suicide. It's harder than most people think and not succeeding is very common. We've had two suicides in our family. Both had more severe maladies than CH. It's horrible and the most selfish of acts one can perform.
I never had superstitions, visions, or other paranormal experiences during an attack. Neither have others but it's more fun for many to say so, and it's easy.
I wasn't anorexic but I was too thin and had horrible eating habits when I got this horror. My dietary improvement did not end them, however.
Not much else to say but you need us now so stick around and contribute. It's good for you and good for us.
Take care,
Charlie
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There is nothing more satisfying than being shot at without result---Winston Churchill
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catlind
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Taz taught me the cluster dance
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Re: no subject
« Reply #11 on: Sep 15th, 2002, 8:07am » |
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Hmmm that's an interesting slant to things...I was too thin as well when the headaches started...hubby used to call me skeletor, and tell me that it's hard to be attracted to someone who looked like a death camp survivor so I'd better quit losing weight.
I never imagined there was any link to the headaches though.
LT, hang in there, I don't think there are many CH'ers that haven't thought about suicide. Thinking it is one thing, just don't act on it. Many people here suffer the beast as well as other maladies that make their lives very hard, and add in personal problems at the same time, and you are in the company of many very strong people. Lean on the folks here if you need to, they will help you as much as possible, just don't hurt us by hurting yourself. People here do care, always remember that.
Cat
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A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart
If yer gonna be stupid, ya gotta be tough
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dennisoc
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my little room
« Reply #12 on: Sep 15th, 2002, 8:39am » |
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Until a few weeks ago I lived alone for 2 years in the "cheap" rough side of town in a tiny apartment...I never opened the shades. There was only cement, steel and glass to see or very strangers lookin in at me. I never unpacked all my boxes...they sat piled, ready to move on, in the corner of my dispair.
I had to squint to see what they were talkin about when folks said "yer lucky to have that apartment".
Remembering the serenity and beauty of my past country homes was hard and hardly solace as I paced that sheetrock cell. My 2D memories did not fill the void....and mostly only made me hate my cubicle, which I always woke to, even more.
...only the weekends when my son came was there happiness. I'd live in his face then.
I had to defy all odds of financial reality and seek a home. Hoping ....against the grain. With my credit history and income and bills ...everyone said it couldn't be done. "there's not a lot out there for someone in yer situation like what you want" they'd say.....remembering back to my hitchhiking days I'd say "I don't need a lot...just one."......and then I'd stick my thumb out looking past the cars that past me by.
As I type this I have no lights on. The early morning light is filtering thru the quiet forest thru my many constantly unshuttered windows of my little house. I own it for 3/4s of the apartment payment.
LTBullitt.....where you are now....don't unpack all yer boxes.
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Slydog
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Re: no subject
« Reply #13 on: Sep 15th, 2002, 11:14am » |
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LT I hope you can find some comfort from the people on this post who have just met you and care for you. I am sure there are people closer to you who would greatly miss you if you were gone.
I always ask "Why Me?" during my cycles. What could I have done to deserve this Hell I'm going through?
I sincerely hope you can find some help and find the strength to carry on. Fight the Beast LT.
Slydog
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Night_Owl
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over the stars
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Re: no subject
« Reply #14 on: Sep 15th, 2002, 11:57am » |
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LT- I will be 16 in about a week. I have had these for two years chronic. I have thought about suicide many times. But I know that I have an impact on my family and friends. I always think of it this way- because I am suffering, someone else somewhere in the world isn't. And as far as suicide goes...I wouldn't put my family and friends through that, I love them too much. I would never want to hurt them.
Night_Owl
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"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."
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Opus
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Re: no subject
« Reply #15 on: Sep 15th, 2002, 3:58pm » |
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Andrew , The Bible say's "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God", So if clusters were a punishment the everyone would have them. Yes Hell is a everlasting cluster. I don't have thoughts of suicide but I do pray for death. Many ppl have noticed that CH causes memory loss and brain damage. I'll be praying that you get relief soon. PFDAN to You and all.l
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Zed-Zed-nine plural-Zed alpha,
There is no place like home.
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Ree
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Re: no subject
« Reply #16 on: Sep 15th, 2002, 10:15pm » |
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Hey Bulllit... I like the way you spell your name... I just thought you were trying to be creative...Hard to think about living when youve lost a best friend... Me I used to think I couldnt wait to die because I would see my sis in law again... she was taken from us in an accident at 34 years young... Everytime in my young life when suicide entered into my thoughts I would reach for my children... After divorce in the lonely hours... I thought about them... when I had illness in my life and wanted to give up... I thought about them... There must be something in your life that makes you want to stay. You are not a coward for living you are a Valiant Knight fighting for a condition that might someday end... yup maybe there will be a silver BULLLIT for Cluster Headaches! Dont ya want to be here when that happens... We have DJ to thank for thinking up this great place to come and rest our tired heads when the beast has got us so down that up is the only way to go. Keep coming here. There are alot of veterans here that have some answers for you... Have you tried O2 to abort those attacks???? find a neuro and get some samples... call the companies and beg for meds if you have to... but please help yourself... and talk to us. Slydog,Night Owl and the rest of you that took the time to post here keep coming we need supporters like you.... oh and Bulllit those sons that kept me going and kept me alive when I felt like giving up, are right now fighting for the freedom of this country... Thank God I am here to see them in their attempt to end the maddness in this world... Thank God I never gave up...love to you all Ree
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Proud Mom to US ARMY Kiowa OH58 PILOT~CWO2 SCOTT Hawaii, & USMC Vet~Now POLICE OFFICER SEAN, Citizen of the Month~ Breezy~ Nana 4 Matt/Mike&Aya, MIL To Shino Wife to Dave HI BILL!http://www.myspace.com/dungareespocket http://www.prohawaiian.com
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LTBulllitt
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McQueen would kick my ass for making a typo out of "Bullitt" but I'd deserve it even with CHs'.
Mad Max would have been the greatest movie ever made if Steve played the role as Max, just my opinion.
I have fixed my health problems relating to weight and anorexia as well and still suffer. I have no idea if it's a true connection, the date just add that they occured at the same time.
Was their a 16 year old here with CH? Did I hear right?
Maybe there is a god and if it turns out to be so, I'll tear his #!%@ celestial heart for you.
Love, Andrew
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| « Last Edit: Sep 16th, 2002, 3:35am by LTBulllitt » |
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mustang
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Re: no subject
« Reply #18 on: Sep 16th, 2002, 6:44pm » |
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Hey I'm glad your still hear. Hang around, you'll find we are a fun bunch even with our pain. Yes you did see a 16 year old here, the demon is not picky when it comes to age , put does seem to pick on the weaker sex [men]
more often. Oops did I say that. I bet I catch hell on that one, opened the door didn't I. 
Mustang
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